Supernatural, Season 13, Episode 16: Scoobynatural

Scoobynatural? Really? I thought the cartoon episode was desperate (if fun). Is that the sound of barrel scraping I hear? Are they really this out of ideas?

Though I do think this is proof that the actors for Supernatural cannot sing a note - because there’s no way you get this desperate without doing at least one musical episode.

And before going into this I’m going to give everyone a heads up. I hate Scooby Doo. I’ve always hated Scooby Doo. Even as a child I loathed Scooby Doo. From the fake laughter to the superfluous characters who just hung around doing nothing to the catch phrases to the same ending every time. I hated this show soooooooo much. Honestly, it was almost pathological

So I’m not approaching this in a good place

And I forgot how much Scooby’s voice annoyed me

So the lead in is that the Winchester brothers are fighting a giant plushie dinosaur, which leads to a store owner rewarding them and Sam being all gracious and self-effacing while Dean takes the large screen television. Because he’s Dean

He merrily sets up his mancave while dismissing Sam’s ongoing research into angry plushie dinosaurs. And I think at some point we need to poke the fact that Sam and Dean haven’t really grown up as this show has progressed and what was cute with two guys in their early twenties is a bit more dubious for men pushing 40.

When showing off the television they’re dragged into a show - and find themselves all cartoony (with the car as well because of course the car comes). And go driving looking for answers - and find a malt shop

Whatever one of those is.

Inside they find the Scooby gang and Dean is super thrilled and geeky. He’s always been a fan of Scooby Doo - for a rather poignant reason. While he grew up on the road, all he had as a constant was television. And Scooby Doo was always on (another reason why I dislike the show). It was a constant from his childhood. And he sees parallels with them solving mysteries and such. With Castiel as their talking dog.

And he has a crush on Daphne, while very much not liking Fred. Sam has no time for any of this nonsense.

So, by convoluted reasons (involving a newspaper with no writing because it’s a cartoon), the Scooby gang are going to a haunted mansion, of course, and Dean insists they tag along for fanpoodle reasons but also working on the theory that if they go along with the episode they will eventually return to where they should be.

iZombie, Season 4, Episode 5: Goon Struck

We finally catch up with Peyton - she’s doing her job working for the local government, inasmuch as there is government given that Fillmore Graves pretty much controls everything. One of her local councillors is trying to have a bus driver fired for being a zombie - obviously that’s not going to fly and is very much against Fillmore Graves’ policies. She does notice that the bus driver is starving and he tells her his family, also zombies, are similarly suffering. Which brings some more ominous to this setting and highlights that brain shortage is the main pressure on this city

But the crime of the week brings a new pressure - one of what kind of city New Seattle is. Liv, Clive and Ravi are investigating the murder of 1 human and 3 zombies when Fillmore Graves’ investigator - a man with an intense French accent, tries to take over. There’s lots of snarking over jurisdiction between them and an accent battle between Ravi and the man. Clearly no-one is friends with this guy

So Liv consumes the brain - which turns out to be a Canadian hockey player - which comes with some weird accents and lots and lots and lots of violence, but not a lot of intelligence. Investigation means she does a lot of attacking people. Though the hockey match amuses Ravi and Clive to no end.

They discover one of his team mates is a zombie and knows he worked for Mama Leone/Renegade… and Liv gets a vision of Blaine committing the murders. Of course zombie visions aren’t admissible in court and Blaine is very wiley but they could have built a case

Except Fillmore Graves shuts them down, scapegoating an anti-zombie gang despite the killings being far too obviously professional for such a gang. Just as Liv and Clive realise that Blaine had no reason to target Renegade (more zombies means more customers) but Fillmore Graves certainly would.

Through this, the dead man’s team mate is very clear that there is no justice or order in the city any more.

We see the other side of this following Chase Graves who is becoming increasingly desperate and troubled trying to run the city and make some very difficult decisions. He also seems to be losing the faith of his followers

There’s a US general pushing to have New Seattle nuked - and he is gaining support which is making people fret. And they continue to have a desperate shortage of zombies - Chase is frustrated by the lack of progress in stopping people diverting the supply but everyone else is pushing to stop new zombies being produced

Which brings us to Mama Leone. Chase is planning to have her frozen in zombie prison rather than allow the messy public execution as an example his board members demand. He is worried about the “bad optics” killing an older, helpless woman would bring

Once Upon a Time, Season 7, Episode 14: The Girl in the Tower

After the curse drove her dad off, Alice became ever more depressing and maudlin and… not entirely stable after having tea parties with hats and stuffed animals for presumably many many years

It’s played a little for comedy but we can equally see her pain and how much long term solitary confinement can be damaging to a person.

It‘s her birthday - and a giant troll rips the top off her tower. Other people would be mildly perturbed by this but Alice is not like most people. She greets the troll as a friend and is super happy that she’s now free. See that’s what it takes to break Gothel’s curse - a giant monster. Which then lifts her to freedom. Again, most people would hesitate to stepping into the palm of a giant monster’s hand

Some time later she goes to watch her father from afar, only to be captured by Robin as a spy. Well Robin tries to hold her at bow point but Alice runs anyway because ALICE. But she does run into a rather ridiculously elaborate trap instead so they can make introductions. Upon hearing Robin refer to Hook as “Nook” (new Hook, coined by Zelena) she decides to call Robin “Nobin”. Robin is not a fan while Alice continues to be most bizarre.

Robin is tracking a great big house destroying monster which Alice objects to because she’s good friends with said destructive monster. Robin runs off leaving Alice behind - but Alice is fast and stubborn and very defensive of monsters dangerous enough to count as natural disasters. She’s also brave enough to tell a room full of angry fire-and-pitchfork villagers (who have had their houses destroyed) that the troll is her friend and they’re all terribad people for wanting to kill it

Lucifer, Season 3, Episode 19: Orange is the New Maze

Maze is not a happy demon and is still kind of hanging around Chloe’s house. She runs into Lucifer finding her acting up and trashing the place looking for a knife. Not even a special one, a very boring knife… But when she sees Lucifer she insists on one thing - take her home. Take her back to Hell

And Lucifer refuses… because doing so may annoy god (wait, why? I mean putting Maze back into hell is presumably what god would want?) and risk Chloe

Maze is super furious, especially since Lucifer was willing to leap into hell for Pierce (before he became so scared for Chloe) and is now afraid of daddy when rebellion was supposed to be his thing. She makes ominous threats when  Chloe arrives… and Chloe tries to reach out to Maze, asking why she upset Trixie, assuming a misunderstanding and trying to get Maze to stay but Maze refuses all offers of peace and reconciliation.

And then Pierce arrives because he and Chloe are now dating which causes More Awkwardness from Lucifer and his jealousy and Pierce and his jealousy. And Ella trying to make everyone feel better

So what we need is a murder case, conveniently caught on CCTV, involving a winery. Which shows Maze removing her knife from the corpse. Which looks kind of damning to say the least. The murder weapon is also Maze’s knife

And here is where Lucifer annoys me even more than usual. Yes he’s self-centred, yes he’s obsessed with himself. Yes he thinks everything is about him. But pushing to have Maze arrested because he assumes she’s murdering people to try and manipulate him into taking to Hell is gross on two levels: 1 because he assumes everything Maze is doing and going through is completely about him and 2 because he doesn’t have her back, he’s not supporting or defending her at all: he’s even vindictively attacking her out of his own spite. Chloe does far more to defend Maze than Lucifer does. Yes he isn’t concerned about life in imprisonment for Maze since she lives for a very very long time but still, Maze deserves better from him. Even Ella has more faith in Maze than he does

Pierce isn’t ready to believe Maze is innocent and does think that maybe Chloe is letting her emotions take over. Dan’s also kind of not convinced that Maze is incapable of murder. Ultimately, she’s Maze.

And she adds fuel to the fire by turning up and confessing to murder. Chloe, again, goes all out to try and defend her, while Lucifer obviously does not.

While imprisoned, Chloe insists on questioning Maze and it’s quickly clear she doesn’t know enough about the murder to have been the perpetrator. But while in custody she uses a hug to steal Ella’s ID (should have been suspicious of Maze hugging) to track down some more information about the man she supposedly murdered, quickly figuring out she has been framed

She follows up with the people who paid for her bounty, interviewing him with her own unique style at a bowling alley (don’t condescend to Maze, it will end poorly) but loose ends are being tied up by the real killer as well.

Convinced of Maze’s innocence, Lucifer and Chloe are now united to try and help her - Lucifer’s issues with Maze lost in his desire not to see the innocent punished. Or the usually guilty but innocent in this instance anyway.

Once Upon a Time, Season 7, Episode 13: Knightfall

To the past, where we have Killian, carrying on his role of hot leather wearing dilf. Oh and there’s a child being all precious and sad because she can’t leave her magic tower and is totally preventing her hot dad from getting out there and into my life.

Ahem

Anyway…

No wait just a bit more…

Ok I’m good now. Honest

So. Sad Alice is sad because she’s all isolated. And she’s also having ominous possibly prophetic dreams about Mother Gothel coming back and doing terribad awful things.

Not the face!!!! Take the child!

Killian decides he’s going to bite the bullet and go for the darkest of possible routes to find a way to save his daughter - going to the Dark One and ask for a magical favour: yes he is giving up his revenge fantasies against the crocodile in favour of protecting his daughter. Awwwww. Except of course at this point Rumple is in an anti-magic cage which is something of a problem so he needs a magical tool to free him (and Alice). Maui’s hook. Which is currently held by Captain Ahab

Ahab is the new hot pirate who thinks he has replaced Killian and is dying to pick a fight with Killian to prove who is the better pirate

(accept no imitations!)

Getting the fish-hook is easy as Killian wins it in a simple hand of dice. But Ahab accuses him of losing his edge, that he has given up his vengeance on the Crocodile, while Ahab is still properly obsessed with his white whale.

See defining pirate trait is apparently unhealthy obsession?

Killian returns to the Dark One - but Ahab follows, now vindicated that Killian has lost his edge because he’s actually enlisting the Dark One’s help to save his daughter rather than get his proper vengeance and all that. Even the Dark One keeps telling him to stop faffing about, let him out, he can kill Ahab and Killian’s reputation will all be intact

Instead Killian decides to duel Ahab with pistols. Because obsession and pistols are the things that defines pirates. Did this show just forget that pirates are supposed to steal shit?

The Magicians, Season 3, Episode 11: Twenty-Three

So with a whole lot known about the fairies now, it makes the quest for the keys a little more fraught. In Fillory Margot in particular is definitely not going to be team fairy no matter how good she was on Earth. They decide that they need to speak to Julia about this - and since Tick has put out wanted posters for them all (which Margot and Elliot consider most unflattering) and the only person who can get around is Josh

So Josh meets up with Julia to discuss the key issues - Julia is meeting with the generally drunk Dean Fogg to explain the fairies, Irene’s escape and the general slaughter of the entire McAllister clan. He’s not drunk enough for this. And Dean’s always kind of drunk. Also he disapproves of their flowery cleaning charm - but is impressed by Julia’s awesome god-like power that allowed her to replace all the wards on Brakebills all by her godly self.

Josh and Julia consider what to do with about the keys when they’re zapped to an alternate time line - the same alternate timeline they used to visit an alternate Alice (with lots of ramifications from the various resetting time lines). There they meet Alternate Josh who quickly tells them how their world has fallen apart: the Beast is there still killing them all and to make it all so much worse magic cut off with them as well, leaving them all practically helpless. This beast wears one of the keys around his neck which is, presumably, how he gets his magic.

I’m assuming grenades aren’t an option.

Josh and Julia also consider that maybe they can get this key (which apparently has the power to see the future, which none of their keys have) then they can skip the fairy key, at least for now.

For some reason Julia wants to speak to Quentin about it - which I don’t get at all: they need  Quentin to make these decisions? But when they use the key to get to Fillory, instead they get a key to the alternate timeline. Because magic makes its own rules.

In the alternate world, Marina the Hedge witch is still alive and she and Josh are happy to meet them for their plan - which involves drugging them and handing them over to the Beast. It seems the Beast wants Julia and they’re desperate enough to do anything especially since in their world Julia is long since dead.