Last season brought
us… nonsense. So much nonsense. And everyone not having a damn brain in their
heads. But Vanessa did release this super old powerful vampire and he bit her.
So let’s rejoin the
randomness starting with a flashback to 1986 where we learn that one of the Van
Helsing children, Scarlett, was dumped on the Harkers while Vanessa was taken
away, there was a car crash and she entered the foster system - but not before
some shadowy veiled figure took her hand all ominous like
I think this is
supposed to be why Vanessa is a lone wolf made of rage?
Anyway in the present
she wakes up on a hospital bed and, lo, the Elder is there. Being Vanessa she
attacks him and he fights back by changing his appearance to look at various
people she cares about. Honestly it’s pretty useless as it’s pretty clear what
the vampire is doing.
Until eventually he
turns into Susan - her dead friend and neighbour - and that gives him chance to
create a woowoo connection between her and Scarlett. This allows Scarlett to
infodump the whole last episode to Vanessa because the writers realised that,
oops, Vanessa needs to know a lot of shit and she doesn’t. So, along with a
dying mother, Abbie, which everyone’s supposed to be sad about though she’s
only just appeared, no-one really has spent enough time with her to care about
her and honestly meh to her dying. Vanessa is also angry. Because she’s kind of
always angry? Anyway Vanessa learns that the Elder is pledged to their family
so has to obey them. The Dark One, first vampire, is super super bad and should
never escape (he is so going to escape) and they must never ever face him
(they’re so going to face him) and to stop it they need to collect the magical
shiny things each elder has. Because who doesn’t like a nice collection quest?
We drop in family angst about them being infected by the First Vampire’s blood
which is why they are the most Special of Specialness. Oh and there’s the
family book which has some mysterious clue. Ancient tomes, super special
protagonists with Destiny and special blood and a collection quest? Someone’s
gone all out for storytelling staples
Abbie dies because
tragedy. And Vanessa is returned to her body with Elder!Susan (she will be
continuing like this from now on to spare the make up department the effort of
making up the Elder every time). Vanessa also believes this vision and the
obedience of the Edler… despite the fact we already have proof that the Elder
is really really good at messing with people’s heads. But we need her to know
all this so run with it.
Vanessa does a wander
through the lab and kills some wounded guards so she can feed on blood. She’s
pretty savage on it - Vanessa is definitely embracing her full dark side. She
runs into the woman who pretended to be her mother and Is Not Pleased. She
calls her out and evil lady decides to reveal she was the one who deliberately
taint the blood of two small children out of sheer curiosity (what? What kind
of supervillain nonsense is this? It’s not even “for science!” it’s for shits
and giggles!). She also shoots Vanessa which does nothing because super powers
- and gets brutally, slowly and agonisingly stabbed by Vanessa. Vanessa is
sprinting towards the darkness. She also gets her family book back
She is all kinds of
suspicious of the Elder, not believing her when she says that she doesn’t have
her totem as it was taken off her when she was captured. And she claims
not to understand the book at all. So helpful elder, I guess
Meanwhile the rest of
the gang is still in their sanctuary with Dr Harrison’s helicopters buzzing
over them (the guy who was experimenting on vampires and giving himself magical
longevity). We have ex-vampire soldier love interest Axel, ex-vampire punching
bag Doc who has a name but no-one uses it, ex-vampire nice-guy Julius, that kid
who is shockingly not dead yet and a couple of extras I honestly expected to be
dead by now so never learned their names. I resent trying now because they’re totally
not making it to the Dark One’s release.
While Axl is duly
suspicious about the black helicopters that gassed them and kidnapped Vanessa,
Extra #1 (Jesse? She’s Jesse now) declares she wants to flag them down to talk
because they only drugged and kidnapped not murdered so that’s totally a good
sign, right?
This woman somehow
survive the apocalypse
Axl nixes this on
account of it being really really really fecking stupid. But they do it anyway
because they’re really really fecking stupid. Shock, horror, Dr. Harrison
arrives and is really unpleasant and his goons point guns at everyone and he’s
TRYING to be menacing but Flesh has the bad manners to crawl out of his grave
See last season Flesh and Lucky both died and it was Very Sad. Now Flesh is back and he’s kind of incoherent and angry and sad about Lucky being dead and he sort of blames Axel but he isn’t making a lot of sense. He’s mainly here to totally derrail Dr. Harrison’s menacing moment because like everyone just forgets him and his goons because RAISING FROM THE DEAD AND STILL HUMAN. Poor Dr. Harrison
He manages to get
things in control, tying people up and torturing them demanding to know where
Scarlet is and also why Julius has super Wolverine healing…
Scarlet is collected
by Axl, she’s been following Scarface vampire, a vampire released from
Harrison’s lab because it’s apparent he’s a brand new kind of vampire, able to
walk during the day. Axl drags her away because they have to deal with Harrison
who, on her return, brags about how he created this vampire. Because he can
Ye gods above and
below what is with the scientists on this show?! “I created the
ebolabubonicflu, BECAUSE I CAN!”
Any Scarlet comes
back and is completely unimpressed and in glorious anticlimax, cuts off Dr.
Harrison’s head. Welp that was easy. The minions get into a fire fight with
team good guy but since Axl, Julius and Scarlett (and Doc? I forget) are pretty
much immune to bullets that doesn’t exactly go anywhere - Scarlett even
coughing up a bullet when she’s shot in the throat. The don’t last long and
this plot line is officially put to bed.
Flesh is still giving
everyone the evils.
They grab Dr.
Harrison’s helicopter and reunite with Vanessa who greets them all like her
least favourite deadbeat cousin come to borrow money. She manages to squeeze
out a few angry tears over Abbie with Scarlet before announcing that the group
has to go to Denver. It’s a safe zone, has been getting possible
vampire-curing-drugs from the lab and is generally a good place to be while she
and Scarlett go lone wolfing. Oh and Axl because we need to keep this love
triangle alive damn it. Scalett gives Doc some Dark One blood in case the worst
happens
Which will. Oh you
know it will. I’m calling the season finale now - the dark one breaks free. Yes
yes he does. He so does.
And in side plot
land, Scab and Ivory are roaming around pretending to be relevant.
And almost as
irrelevant we have Sam with his new protege Mohammed, newly turned and ready to
be taught the art of serial killing vampire torturer… except while Sam loves
slowly killing and torturing his victims, Mohammed, animalistic after turning,
seems pretty disinterested. He just wants to feed. Alive, dead, in pain or not
- it’s the blood her cares about not unnecessarily prolonged stabbing
