This voiceover is
happening every episode. Really, this is happening? These are the credits?
So I’m going to mix
the order up a little more this episode so it flows better for a recap just
because I’m lazy and I really hate view switching storylines almost as much as
I hate stories not in chronological orders.
So in, I’m going to
assume Venice because it’s wet, we have the Congregation which seems to be an
all powerful ruling body for the three supernatural races (or, I guess, more
than three since there could be more) It’s run by a human in a male inherited
role which a visiting Satu is snarking about.
She is there to
research Diana (and gets a file including pictures of her dead parents( but the
witch archive is invaded by the Venetian investigator Dominico and there’s some
magic and lots of strangling. We’ve seen Satu open a pit into the floor - I
think Dominico is very very casual about strangling her one handed. He may be
asking for some severe combustion
Anyway he learns about Diana and rushes to boss man Gerbert (and I still can’t get over Trevor Eve in this role) to tattle that Matthew is totally messing with witches and if they can prove it they can get him in trouble. Apparently this is is something they want
Gerbert doesn’t think
that Matthew is going to be that daft as to play into their evil hands. But he
consults a mummified head in a box which mumbles something about a witch with
the blood of a wolf and a lion (I think. I am so against cryptic nonsense
prophecy I refuse to rewind to find out). So he sends his daughter. Who he
bathes and kisses extremely inappropriately before sending her off. Uckies do
not want
Right now we can head
back to Oxford to where Matthew reports to Diana that the Bodleian is now
utterly full of Creatures all looking for Diana to get the book so instead
invites her to his country house. But first she runs into Gillian to tell her
she’s the worst betraying supposed friend ever. While Gillian admits she’s not
nice but that knoxx is awesome becaus he’s *gasp* CONGREGATION. And she needn’t
spend time with “that.”
“That” being Matthew.
Again, everyone on this show is so utterly incapable of being endearing even
slightly. Like everyone in this book needs to charm Diana onside and they’re
all really really bad at it. I mean, super bad. Like everyone can tell Diana is
really put off by this anti-vampire rhetoric so consider toning it down? Maybe?
So to Matthew’s house
because his whole Craving her blood thing means it’s an excellent idea for him
to take her out to some isolated house in the country where they can be alone
together. Yes. It does give them chance to explore Matthew’s past, hid
Frenchness (all vampires are French. It’s a rule. Damn you Anne Rice. And all
werewolves are Scottish - no-one to blame for this. It’s something about the
hairiness. It’s a rule) his age (he was born in the 6th century), his family
and his brother’s alchemy books. It actually manages to be a full conversation
with minimum creepiness
They also establish
that Diana’s magic is instinctive - basically she just wants something and it
happens, sort of. Personally I’m not a lover because it makes magic a bit too
effortless and too much of a deux ex. But he points out since she’s using
magical all the time without knowing she should really get behind her super
powers already
And I still don’t buy
the idea that someone can have magic and decide not to use it. Nope nope nope.
I don’t care if their parents were eaten alive by rabbits pulled out of hats,
there’s no reason.
Over to Ann, Diana’s
aunt Sarah’s partner who is scraying about Diana and basically coming up
vampire. Aunt Sarah is duly freaked out by this and calls Diana to warn her
vampires can bite you and feed on your memories. Also when Diana was a kid her
mother told Diana stories about a guy who is CLEARLY Matthew, apparently. But
Diana insists she’s safe based on a couple of days acquaintance with all his
creepiness.
Matthew takes a few
days alone which gives Marcus chance to tag in and stalk her instead and
convince her to finally take a blood test as it might check which magic she’s
inherited. Miriam seems less hostile this time - until Matthew arrives,
outraged that any vampire but him would take her blood
Diana, how can you
not find this creepy?! He has just literally claimed your blood! He has claimed
ownership of your blood. The VAMPIRE HAS CLAIMED YOUR BLOOD! Do you have no
sense of self-preservation at all?!
Mirriam realises
something is up and confronts Michael about Craving her - and reminds her (i.e.
expositions to us) that witch/vampire sexy times is totally verboten by the
Congregation.
Diana invites Matthew
to dinner (that vampire who claimed her blood. She would love for him to have
her… for dinner) but first Knoxx gatecrashes to say how she should totally get
on side with Team Genocide Witch while she calls him a bigot and Matthew arrives
and does the vampire blurry thing to convince him to feck off so they can have
a creepy dinner
A really creepy
dinner. He even eats venison like a serial killer. They discuss vampire powers
including sense and how it makes wine super awesome. Like last episode on
longevity, this is something i really like. I love the idea of vampire super
senses being used not just for hunting prey but for actually enjoying life.
Maybe it’s my Toreador heart but I really do love supernatural beings just
ENJOYING their supernaturalness. More of these shows need joy.
With all this Diana
then asks Matthew what she would taste like. Yes I get it, she’s flirting. But…
remember TWO EPISODES AGO when he had to coach her on how to walk away from him
slowly to stop him losing control and eating her? But now she’s asking how she
TASTES?!
He says this is
totally a bad bad idea. To which she hugs him and declares she is safe with
him…
..
.
You don’t even know
this man?! And he struggles with the desperate urge to KILL YOU?! What is
this?! She’s beginning to make Bella Swan look like a sensible person
She kisses him and he
doesn’t move away - but doesn’t kiss her back
The next day and it’s
time for some more epic foolishness - Knoxx decides the best way to get Anna
onside is to send her her file from the Congregation. Including graphic
pictures of her murdered parents
Classy
Unsurprisingly Diana
is epicly Not Impressed by this and confronts ex friend Gillian to make it
clear how so very out of line they have stepped now
She’s decided she’s going to get the fecking book now. Herself. She storms off to the library and asks for the book - and is surrounded by Knoxx and a load of other witches who try to intimidate her into getting the book out… and when she refuses they hurt the librarian and Diana loses it. She unleashes massive gale force winds that throw the witches around the room most impressively until Matthew arrives to calm her down and take her back to her rooms to sleep
Apparently she used
the boringly named Witchwinds which is super important - and someone hasn’t
done that for centuries… which… ok? I mean yes well done. Wind. Satu buried
someone under the earth which feels more important.
Matthew decides to
respond to all this by ripping off Knoxx’s face - but Marcus (oh and side
element - I quite like how the vampires can look young and still not be treated
as it. Like Marcus is clearly outranked by Matthew but Matthew doesn’t treat
him as a much younger man) urges him to see reason - moving on Congregation member
Knoxx would start a war. Could he not, please?
So instead he decides
to take her to his place in France where she’ll be safe and can get a handle on
her super powers. She agrees and he kisses her. So he’s taking a snack to
France.
Ok side plot - we have
some demons: Matt and his partner who are setting up a chatroom for demons so
they can connect for each other. It’s super important because of those
spiralling mental health problems demons are facing
But the Congregation
doesn’t approve - including Matt’s mother who is a congregation member. They
shut him down
And his pregnant
partner talks nonsense which may be mental illness but is more likely to be
more dubious prophecy. She has to give a statue to someone. That’s nice, dear
I can learn to like
this show- but ye gods these characters need to get out of the way. Matthew
needs to be less creepy every moment. And if he doesn’t, at very least Diana
needs to acknowledge this. Really really really her complete lack of anything resembling
self-preservation is bordering on comic.
