Oh dear gods
Can I just recap this
nonsense by “stupid decisions are made so more stupid decisions will follow”?
In fact, can I just
recap ALL of Originals this way?
This is the last
season and, y’know what, I’m kind of glad. I’m kind of glad because I am so
very very very done with the Original Family, beings who have apparently
existed for the best part of a millennium, utterly failing to understand
humanity or making any sense at all. Enough, enough already. Enough of 5 entire
seasons of Originals being all about of the shitty nonsense Klaus
inflicts which then he has to fix causing more shitty nonsense sometimes with
tears but usually with murderous rage.
Why is anyone still
in New Orleans? I mean I get the witches have ancestor power there unlike
witches elsewhere, but if I were a vampire I’d be checking the red eye flights
to, I dunno, Milwaukee right now. Anywhere where Klaus isn’t. Boise, Des
Moines, Anchorage… anywhere
So, Mardi Gras is
coming which is a thing which matters
Klaus is still pissed
that Hayley is missing and decides that the best way to do this (beyond
compelling lots of police) is by threatening all three of the major factions in
New Orleans. His big threat against Marcel is to hold a family reunion and
unleash apocalypse powers that happen whenever Mikaelsons gather together
because that’s a good idea.
The vampires, witches
and werewolves are all pretty pissed by this but Klaus keeps threatening epic
violence and Marcel backs it up by threatening more violence until everyone
co-operates.
While they’re trying
to problem solve by terrifying and enraging the rest (or both). Klaus also gets
all tearful with Marcel because Elijah totally rejected him. And without Elijah
he has no idea how to act like he has even the slightest ounce of sense
(except, y’know, the last five seasons don’t exactly show Elijah having that
much of a moderating influence). Marcel all feels his pain (while also being
impatient with his fuckery) since Klaus is all tearful and kind of wants to
step into Elijah’s shoes. But since he’s as autocratic and violent as Klaus
it’s not really that helpful
See, in the 7 years
while everyone has been off doing their own thing, New Orleans under Josh,
Hayley and Vincent and Freya was a bit more co-operative, democratic and has a
lot less rules, threats of violence and more co-operation. Absolutely no-one is
happy with Marcel coming back playing All Powerful Monarch or Klaus coming back
playing Ivan the Terrible
Greta leads the
vampires in being pissed. Lisinia leads the werewolves in being pissed. Vincent
is still hella pissed but he also wants to have sex with Ivy the seer so
continues to read cards with her and flirt.
For more tension, the
death of Henry means the werewolves think the vampires murdered him while the
vampires are super pissed that their dead member wasn’t avenged and, on top of
that, they’re not thrilled because there are so many venomous vampire killers
in the city.
Marcel decides to
deal with this hissing and spitting at each other by throttling Greta and
Lisinia. Yeah this is his voice of reason stuff.
All of this doesn’t
help find Hayley but the kidnapper decides to send lots of cryptic notes and
clues: which leads to an abandoned house, a chair where she was locked up and
drugged and words scrawled on the wall saying “Freak, Filthy Crossbreed”
Oh why do I think
Originals is going to play for a really appropriative and awful mixed-race
analogy here?
This further enrages
Klaus so he decides to take random hostages from each faction, including Josh,
and threaten to kill them if everyone doesn’t find Hayley. This ranks only
slightly behind “the beatings will continue until morale improves” as a
motivation strategy
Amusingly, Ivy’s
cards say Klaus has a plan and he hasn’t quite gone over the edge yet.
Until someone posts
him a chunk of Hayley’s flesh. At which point Klaus loses it, breaks Marcel’s
neck as he tries to calm him down, while Vincent rushes in to stop Klaus from
killing the hostages. Well, he saves Josh but not the others
Who is hella pissed
because for 7 years the city worked but now Marcel and Klaus have made it all
awful again.
Klaus is imprisoned
but he explains his plan to Klaus: he intended to make the entire city freak
out so he could see how the factions responded (they freaked out and hated each
other). And Klaus decides that the witches and werewolves sort of got in line
but the vampires resisted from the very start (after their faction head was
kidnapped. Oh and we had all these vampire killing hybrids run around. And one
of their members was murdered) so he’s decided one of them must be the bad guy
(never mind how a vampire can break a cloaking spell)
He also makes a big
speech about how they need to tighten their grip and be properly feared again.
Marcel, presumably under the effect of multiple concussions or alcohol or
SOMETHING, decides Klaus speaks a lot of sense. So he lets Klaus go, they
demand the vampires all assemble, threaten them all with death if they don’t
obey and confiscate all their daylight rings. So the vampires REALLY want them
dead
The werewolves have
declared themselves to be completely on their own and they can’t trust anyone.
So… that helped get them on side
While Klaus actually
goes to Vincent to ask for help. Yes, he murdered a witch and then attends the
funeral of the witch to ask for magical help.
Amazingly this is not
well received. And Klaus seems… surprised? I mean, really? How? Is Klaus this
broken that he thinks everyone will just ignore the still warm bodies of loved
ones he’s murdered?!
Can everyone just
die? No, really, everyone? Oh and the big bad guys also send Klaus a coin with
swastika on it. Yes we have Nazis hunting half breeds
Please gods can we
cancel it earlier
Alas we need to go to
the stupid magic school (and I’m going to rant about that) where Freya is
trying to distract Hope and warn her that if she gets emotional as an uber
witch bad shit will happen. Hope conveniently responds by doing just that and
setting a big fire
Basically she tells
Hope about the cards that say she will end the world or something and
everyone’s worried that if, say, Hayley’s body shows up she will have a melt
down which may be literal rather than just figurative. It’s not like emotional
stability run in the family.
She also continues to
flirt with Roman the hot vampire boy who is playing sports. And how does that
even work? You can’t have a vampire on a team with non vampires - what would
even be the point? His strength speed and stamina would render everyon else
pointless
In fact can we
address the whole nonsense of this school? See I actually see it as a “special
school” for magical children for witches or supernatural beings that don’t
quite fit into other groups and don’t have communities
But vampires? Why? I
mean was he turned at age 15, 16 or 17? So he needs to go to school? And what
are you teaching him? I get magic is academic but vampiredom isn’t really? In
fact the main things newly turned vampires need is in self control so they
don’t murder everyone: at which point a magical school is probably not a great
place for them. And apparent age isn’t really a signifier for vampires who need
education: a newly turned 60 year old needs training as much as a vampire who
is turned conveniently at their teenaged years?
And werewolves?
Remember that the werewolf gene is “triggered”? They only way a werewolf
actually turns into a werewolf is if they kill someone. There is absolutely no
reason why young werewolf kids need to attend a magical school - they can go to
a perfectly conventional human school. Because, until they actually murder
someone, THEY ARE HUMANS.
I’m not even sure the
school is a good place for witches because between the ancestral magic of New
Orleans and the chanting magic of the Travellers and the weird twin magic of
the Gemini coven there simply ISN’T one form of magic.
And that’s aside from
the idea that Caroline and Alaric are actually capable of teaching this student
body?
