Flashback time -
young Henry is all chasing after adventures, facing dragons to rescue sleeping
princesses by sexually assaulting them while they’re asleep. Unfortunately for
Henry, it turns out this princess actually loves someone else who kills the
dragon, sexually assaults her awake and then runs off with the princess
declaring that Henry is like a brother to her and so wonderful
Please take note,
this friendzoning is going to be relevant later and want us to burn people to
death because of it
Anyway, Wish!Rumple
shows up in all his sparkly to offer him a Happily Ever After in exchange for a
deal. Which Henry refuses because ye gods making a deal with a Rumple, any
Rumple? Naaaaaah.
So to the present and
everyone is super happy because they have their memories and magic back and
Henry runs around saying “mother” and “daughter” and “wife” to remind us he has
a family because the focus has been away from them for so very very long that
we need to re-establish that they’re actually supposed to be important somehow.
Of course not everything is perfect - Killian and Alice still have that poison
heart thing. And Facilier is missing
Presumed dead via
Wish!Rumple and lo the Black man who was a complicated, powerful and mysterious
character with dubious motives, genuine affection for Regina warring with his
desire for the Dark One Dagger is just unceremoniously snuffed out. That’ll
learn you for thinking you could do more than make occasional baked goods.
Regina goes to check
on Facilier and finds Rumple - who everyone is calling Gold to draw a line
between him and Wish!Rumple. Regina and Gold catch up on how super evil
Wish!Rumple is running amok while Wish!Rumple himself whisks away Henry’s new
family - he demands Henry get his Dark One dagger because apparently if Gold
decides to give up his dagger then Wish!Rumple will also lose his powers and
he’s totally not into that.
A quick revenge
council is formed of Regina, Henry, Killian and Gold with Henry vaguely
thinking about accepting the deal but Regina being clear they’re just going to
kick all the arses especially since this Killian is Wish!Killian he has
connections with the Wish Realm and he can totally teleport to this realm with
his hook. Apparently?
Henry thinks he
should go alone because he has delusions of competence? I mean Regina with all
her magic, Gold the Dark one and Killian pirate with magic hook. But failed
writer is definitely the guy who should lead this? Shall I mention, yet again,
that this series has utterly failed to establish Henry as something useful? I
mean, he’s the author, he’s the grandson of the Dark One, son of the Evil Queen
and the Saviour - you could have loaded this character with woo-woo.
So through to the
Wish Realm and what i think is the beginning of a big cast reunion for Once
Upon a Time. They’re split into Regina & Henry team A who are in
Rumple’s much much much darker castle complete with Peter Pan (Rumple’s father
- yes you remember the Neverland storyline I don’t care if your therapist has
urged you to blank it from your mind. At least it isn’t the Frozen storyline)
who is kept in stocks because Wish!Rumple holds All the Grudges. They don’t
even pretend to care and certainly don’t release him but Rumple does show up to
show them that he’s locked Cinderella and Lucy in a snow globe. As one does.
Oh and they find
Cruella who Rumple has brought in for the big reunion and to defend his castle.
Cruella, a woman with no magic or fighting skills. Cruella, a woman who’s main
villainy is distasteful fur trade. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s super cool
but this is just bizarre. Especially since for some reason they give her the
ability to sword fight (why? She’s from a Flapper 1920s time line. Flappers
don’t fence! Give her a Tommy gun) and then she fights with Henry (in that
coat!!! I don’t care what kind of ninja you are, you can’t fight in that coat)
while Regina watches because we have to pretend Henry is useful and Regina
couldn’t fry Cruella with a snap of her fingers.
Meanwhile Gold and
Killian are sent to Rumple’s old house to remind us all how angsty and weak he
was before he became the Dark One and how much he hated this period in his
life. Killian takes Gold to his pirate cave which would totally be flooded in
anything resembling rough sea where he can make contact with Ariel because this
is the beginning of the Big Reunion. The mermaid has some squid ink which is
useful because, for reasons completely unknown, this stuff is good at freezing
Dark Ones
The gang gets
together and Henry has a tantrum thinking they should hand over a dagger to
Rumple to save his family because Gold was totally evil and doesn’t deserve a
happily ever after. Which is not wrong but why does no-one on this show think
for a second about what could happen if Rumple gets the power of 2 Dark One
Daggers? Especially since he can apparently cross realms like catching a bus
(in fact, everyone can: seriously magic beans everywhere. Killian’s Hook for
some reason. And every witch who has any kind of issue they cast a spell that
dumps them all into a Land Without Magic because this is like number one on the
problem solving list).
Anyway instead Gold
has a plan and he goes to put it into action, with Regina following because
Henry doesn’t trust her. He goes to Rumple’s old house with all their demons in
it so he can say, actually, this wasn’t the worst thing ever- Rumple is. The
Dark Beast before he met Belle is now Gold’s worst nightmare - and he gives
Rumple his dagger. Covered in Squid Ink which gives him the chance to give
Rumple a good Dark One Dagger stabbing
Except he spends way
way more time having a big speech (about how he’d rather destroy Rumple even if
it means he can’t reunite with Belle) despite literally only having seconds
before the ink wears off. Instead Regina arrives, Gold is distracted and Rumple
escapes. Oops
But Henry has his own
plan which he has to pursue alone. Apparently. Because he knocks Killian out so
he can pursue it alone
I...don’t actually
know why? Because Henry’s plan is to reclaim his Author powers with Quill and
Ink so he can write a new story. Why would Killian object to this?
He goes to the
Author’s Assistant, proves his authenticity, gets his quill and his ink from
Cruella’s hair (apparently) and prepares to write a new future - only to have
Rumple arrive and steal the quill to give to… Young Henry from the Wish Realm
Young Henry has had a
different life because Wish Realm is awful - he mentions Regina murdering the
Charmings. Which apparently means the Wish Realm isn’t a sweet sweet utopia?
But mainly because he took Wish!Rumple’s deal from the opening scene
Yes, Wish!Henry
accepted a deal with Rumple because he was friendzoned and it was totally mean!
He was supposed to rescue that princess by sexual assault and instead he got
treated like a friend, HOW DARE SHE?! And he pouted because he totally totally
can’t have a Happily Ever after despite being like, what, 17-19? I mean he’s
barely even started but because the first sleeping dragon guarded princess
isn’t ready to ride him like a noble steed he’s going to go dark side?
Is he going to write
an Incel screed next?
So the pen is in
Rumple’s pet author’s hand so he can rob the Guardian of her special powers
meaning the dagger will never be destroyed
So to everyone else:
Sabine/Tiana is
making some improbable batter (that batter was already pretty runny and you
added 3 more eggs in one go?) and talking to Naveen about her fascinating
character conflict: she doesn’t know who she is. She remembers being Tiana, but
most recently she’s been Sabine. Yesterday she was a baker and she can’t quite
assimilate all of these memories and responsibilities of being an actual queen
What I did like was
Sabine/Tiana agonising over whether she is Sabine/Tiana and, unlike the
Charmings, realising that royalty has responsibilities and worrying about that.
This kind of conflicted personality would be an awesome thing to explore after
the curse - albeit several seasons too late.
Alas this is all
quickly brushed over because Andrew/Naveen gives her a pep talk. Awww damn it
can we not just brush this off? This could be so much more interesting.
So with her newly
embraced Queen-ness she can rally the people when Robin and Alice come looking
for help - Alice feeling the whole Guardian woo-woo disappearing - getting the
people to hand over one of those magical beans that are EVERYWHERE. They’re
riding to the rescue
But first they’re
going to go to Storybrooke to gather a possee
Where did this plot
even come from?! I mean, I can hardly remember the wish realm beyond a
convoluted reason to remake Captain Hook. But now we have this archvillain?
It’s just all so unfocused - not just because the Wish Realm characters feel
like a last minute add on - but all of it. Lucy and Cinderella have been
kidnapped? Ok, shame we spent so much of the season focused on Victoria and
then Gothel that we barely know these characters. And while we’ve kinda, sorta
known that people wanting the Dark one Dagger is a thing it, again, was kind of
lost most of the season.
