So begins the last season of The Vampire Diaries (before we have a much more awesome Bonnie
spin-off. Hey I can hope, right?)
Damon and Enzo were captured by whatever it was The
Armoury had decided to stash in the basement and then they went off on a
killing spree
This was apparently a bad killing spree rather than, y’know,
their regularly scheduled weekend killing spree that happens all the time and
we tend to ignore it because protagonist!
When we catch up with them they’re luring people to a
serial killing warehouse, targeting evil people (this means their killing spree
under the control of the Vault Monster Enzo and Damon are actually more moral
in their killing for the Vault Monster than they are when they have their usual
fun slaughter fest). The evil people are then put on meat hooks lowered into a
pool with the nasty looking monster and promptly eaten. Their remains then left
to decorate the ceiling, as one does. Just because you’re mind controlled by a
watery serial killer with some kind of conscience doesn’t men you can neglect
the interior decorating
Enzo despairs and is angry and sad and generally not happy
but this state of affairs
While Damon is almost indifferent – because he’s pretty
much broken. He’s turned off his humanity switch to deal with what he’s being
forced to do, he’s lost all hope and generally despaired of anything getting
better ever. He’s even reduced to reading Fifty Shades of Grey
Bonnie and Stefan are still looking for Damon and Enzo
and Bonnie is succumbing to utterly bleak despair, clinging to the memories of Enzo
and her to try and convince us that this relationship wasn’t made up with no
basis after one of the writers got into the hard drugs and everyone was still
desperately trying to find an excuse to keep Enzo around because he was too hot
to dispose of.
Stefan can Caroline are now a thing in their on again off
again on again off again on again off again romance. Caroline and Alaric still
co-parent their (kinda) little girls and have new nanny Selene to help patch
things up.
I have to say Caroline and her desperate attempt to
organise everything and her constant worrying and fretting to be the only character
I’m still invested in. I mean, I like Bonnie, but I honestly just want her to
leave Mystic Falls so far behind her that she’ll forget everything about this
place.
Alaric has, somehow, taken over the running of the Amoury
(and has inherited a pair of interns) to try and find out how everyone escaped from
the evil basement. They do find a magically hidden tunnel which leads to a
vault full of surprisingly preserved shinies. Shockingly, exploring the secret hidden
basement doesn’t get them all eaten by evil things. Honestly that’s practically
a rule! You can’t have people discover secretly hidden vaults an not have them
eaten by zombies, cursed or at least have to wash off some primordial ooze.
But while he’s spelunking one of the St. John’s (who
controlled the Armoury, I don’t remember this one’s name and it doesn’t matter
because she doesn’t last long) decides to try and kidnap the girls after
slitting Selene’s throat – before Caroline arrives uses amazing vampire blood
to heal the pesky slit throat and making it clear that attacking her kids is
not ok. Why is this woman attacking the kids? No clue at all because she just
rambles away about the basement before chewing out her own tongue
Turns out vampire blood can cure a slit throat but not a
chewed out tongue.
This gives Alaric a major case of the guilts because he
was so far away when his kids were attacked and clearly Caroline, despite being
a vampire, needs his human arse to be closer in case she needs some collateral damage
to make the next time someone attacks
These leads to some house moving with Alaric moving into
Caroline’s childhood home and Caroline
moving in with Stefan. It all goes waaaaay simpler than it should.
Following leads and trails of bodies, Stefan and Bonnie
do eventually find Damon and Enzo.
Except that means finding a Damon under the control of
his humanity, devoid of any hope and convinced he’s going to hell – in fact
there’s lots of rambling about hell and how he is damned and doomed and redemption
is a lie. Damon has become positively maudlin. This kind of really hits Stefan
who naturally, being Stefan, goes on a whole self-hate woe-is me about this
It doesn’t help that Enzo, while still human, also tells
them to go. With Stefan holding Bonnie’s throat (really people have threatened
Bonnie’s life so many times that she must be positively blasé about it by now).
They end up having to leave. But Bonnie puts together the
clues that Enzo has been leaving her, all pointing to Odysseus (a book she and
Enzo read in one of their desperate-please-believe-this-romance flashbacks).
Clues as to the nature of the thing in the water – a Siren
Who just finishes her last meal, provided by Enzo and
Damon – and arises from her little bloody pool.
Ok, I can’t say I predicted a siren, so points for that.
The rest? I don’t know. I’m just so uninvested in so many of these characters
and the whole horror of being forced to kill lots of evil people when this show
already has a death count on par with the entire population of Virginia fails
to strike a major chord with me.
