I don't know how much shit people need to see before they decide to get the hell out of a house but Matt and Shelby are so damn slow on the uptake that they seriously deserve Kathy Bates to just end it for them already. They are walking Darwin Award winners if I've ever seen it.
Okay, having turned Lee into the police, Shelby wants to know how Matt could possibly sleep with forest Gaga. Look, having an unfaithful partner is not a fun thing but given everything that Shelby has seen so far, this should have been pretty low on the list of concerns. At any rate, Matt denies Shelby's accusations and increasingly becomes upset because he has no memory of what she is talking about. Seeing Matt in tears is finally enough for Shelby to decide that he's innocent and that maybe ratting Lee out wasn't such a good idea.
After things calm down, Shelby heads for the shower which of course makes me wonder if she's ever seen Psycho? Nothing good comes from showering when you're in a horror situation. Predictably, pig man jumps out to say hello. Shelby runs screaming and calling out for Matt, who uses a football tackle to get pig man away from Shelby. Luckily for them, Dr. Elias Cunningham (yes dude from the videotape) arrives in time to put an axe into the back of pig man. Unfortunately, pig man has developed a never say die attitude and Elias screams, "Croatian" which banishes pig man back from whence he came. See, I can do the old fashioned speech.
It turns out that Elias had decided to hold onto the house after discovering its dark past to avoid anyone else ending up dead. Unfortunately, he fell behind on his property tax payments and that's how Matt and Shelby ended up stupidly paying 40K for the house of death. Elias has knowledge he wants to share but Matt and Shelby are suspicious and even wonder if Elias simply wants the house back and that's why he's trying to scare them out. OMG these two are stupid to live. They were just chased by a pig man and are worried that Elias wants the house of death back.
So, they wisely decide to listen to Elias and he tells them about how all of the previous owners of the house ended up dead. Cut to the Chen family, who immigrated to the states determined to live a true American lifestyle. Unfortunately for them this included good awful television dinners and the Partridge Family. Yes, they did this to themselves in order to be more American. Despite several warnings from Kathy Bates to leave, the Chen's end up dead. Clearly they were another family too stupid to live. When a ghost tells you to get the fuck out, the correct response is always to flee like your ass is on fire. It turns out that even the murdering nurses who Matt saw earlier ended in bad way thanks to Kathy Bates. Given their torture of the elderly, I didn't have the heart to feel sorry for the nurse who had her arms ripped from her body.
The two geniuses (read: Matt and Shelby) finally believe that there's something supernatural going on. Shelby in particular feels guilty about turning Lee in and they decide to head into the woods to look for Flora. Elias warns them not to pay attention to what is happening in the woods and follow him. The minute Shelby catches a glimpse of forest Gaga though she's after her. Luckily for her, Elias catches up to her before forest Gaga can take her out. They all make their way to a field where they find the ghosts playing with Flora in the center. Elias explains that the anniversary of all the murders is approaching and it happens to coincide with a blood moon which means the ghosts can move around freely. Elias tries to talk to the ghosts about releasing Flora and is rewarded by having his chest filled with arrows. There goes the book he was planning on writing. The ghosts take off and Shelby and Matt make their way back to the house of death.
These two don't deserve anymore help but nonetheless, Cricket is there awaiting their return and he has a story to tell. Cricket is not pleased that Matt and Shelby didn't leave even though he went to all of the trouble to make the deal with Kathy Bates. He tells them that last night he ventured into the woods and had a little chat with forest Gaga, who took him back in time. The settlers were living life large but it required human sacrifice. After watching the Butcher kill a young girl, Ambrose finally decides that mommy dearest has gone to far and that the settlers will go back to their original location and wait for his father to arrive.
For obvious reasons, Kathy is not down for this at all and sees Ambrose and all those who agree with him as betraying her. On the advice of Forest Gaga, the Butcher does the whole contrition thing and then promptly poisons everyone, pausing to stab them with her handy axe from time to time. With everyone dead, the Butcher then bares her neck for Forest Gaga, who promptly cuts the Butcher's throat. The long and short of it is that all of that blood magic was enough to bind the settlers to the land in service of the Butcher for eternity without a day off for good behaviour.
Luckily for Shelby and Matt, Cricket now has a plan to defeat Forest Gaga for good but he has to return to his hotel room for supplies. Though he offered up Matt to Forest Gaga to save his life, he promises Matt that he won't have to follow through even though he is shocked that Matt is not down with fucking Forest Gaga. Cricket takes off in his uber and only has enough time to proposition the driver before Flora goes running across the road, forcing the driver to stop. Cricket gets out of the car and goes chasing after Flora.
Shelby and Matt decide to wait for Cricket. Given all that they've been told, you'd think that they would go on high alert but Shelby actually has a nap. How the fuck are you gonna sleep in the murder house when you know the Butcher and pig man are coming to kill you. Shelby even mentions that staying alert would be a good idea but still decides to catch 40 winks.
When Matt hears a sound, gun in hand he heads outside to check it out. He heads to the storm cellar where Forest Gaga is waiting for him. Matt gets caught in her spell and the two of them end up getting it on, as Forest Gaga shows him her life. It seems that she was a stow away on a ship to the New World. The voyage didn't go well, so they decided that Forest Gaga was a witch and prepared to burn her at the stake. Forest Gaga was not down to end her life that way so she killed all of the soldiers and became a new powerful entity. Matt's balls deep when he hears Shelby scream for him and takes off running.
So, Shelby woke up alone and when she heads outside to investigate, the Butcher is waiting for her and she's got Flora. Matt arrives on the porch to join Shelby and together they beg the Butcher to let Flora go. Flora must have been born under a lucky star because Prescilla gives the Butcher a huge shove, causing her to inadvertently release Flow, who promptly joins Shelby and Matt on the porch. The three go running into the house for safety.
The Butcher isn't done and she brings out her second captive. That's right, the Butcher has captured none other than our poor beloved Cricket. The Butcher decides that she is gonna have her pound of flesh one way or another, so Ambrose sets about disemboweling poor Cricket as Matt and Shelby watch horrified.
I'm super pissed that Cricket was killed of this episode. It only took four episodes for American Horror Story to revert to its usual tricks when it comes to LGBT characters. I should have known not to get my hopes up. Not only did Cricket die, he died horrifically for two characters that don't have a functioning brain between them.
In the last two episodes we got the back story of the Butcher and episode four gave us some information on forest Gaga. Are you sensing a theme on powerful women yet because I am? Both forest Gaga and the Butcher were wronged by the men in their community who deemed them evil. Even before the Butcher was doing her human sacrifice thing, the community had sent her off to die horribly. It suggests that a powerful woman is a threat to society and should be eliminated. To make matters worse, these same powerful women turn evil and murderous, thus justifying the original suggestion that they are a danger to begin with. Leave it to American Horror Story to be anything other than subtle.
Elias also lost his life this week for those two dummies. Given that Elias is played by Denis O'Hare, I doubt that we've seen the last of him, though I suspect he won't be as helpful to Matt and Shelby when he does surface again.
As for Shelby and Matt, they have no excuse to stay in the house of death any longer. I know that they are slow on the uptake but now that they've got Flora back and watched as Cricket was disemboweled, they need to hop in their car and GTFO. I don't see how the writers can possibly justify these two remaining in the house at this point, given how far they've stretched credibility with Shelby and Matt. Again, who takes a name when pig man is coming to get you?
