Hyde’s steampunk world looks kind of awesome, to be
honest. I want to see a lot more of its shininess. This is apparently a world
where all the lost stories play out.
Jekyll isn’t entirely defeated, or so it seems, he may
have lost the wand but he does still dare to try and release the Charmings,
Killian and Zelena so they can help him make a potion. One that will finally separate
him from Hyde.
And it works. Because Hyde wants it to. He quite likes
the idea of being separate from Jekyll all the time and not being suppressed –
especially since he’s super strong and highly magically resistant. The good
guys have to run and still have no way to return home
In New York, Emma and Regina have discovered that the
inept foursome have been sucked into another world
Emma: My Parents, Hook and Zelena got pulled into a
portal!
Regina: Again?!
That’s some quality 4th wall scratching snark
there Regina.
So they need a plan – especially since, with Gold having
the crystal, they have no magic. Unless they work with him; which is what
Regina tries to do, portraying her recent tragedy as having pushed her back
over the edge to full blown evil queen mode.
Gold doesn’t buy it. Nicely skewering everything Regina
said last episode, he says she has changed too much, become too good a person
to slide back into evil queen-ness. Her Redemption Train is too complete. And
he plans to kill them all
Except Henry and his anti-grail he happened to just run
across with which he sucks up all the magic. Which means no death. But it also
means no way to open a portal. Now what are they going to do?
See an Asian stereotype of course! A man called The
Dragon who came straight out of central-casting for Enigmatic Asian Mystic is
duly cryptic and vague in advising them that there is magic in the world if
they just believe
It comes to something when even Once Upon a Time where everyone, his dog and his puppet has magic, still has to resort to POC-woo-woo to help the predominantly white cast.
This inspiring vagueness and a little CGI with a terribly
rendered flower now puts Henry back on team Magic (I know teenagers are
supposed to have mood swings but c’mon!) and he’s willing to open a portal to a
completely unknown realm by convincing a crowd of New Yorkers to believe in
magic next to a wishing well
I’m not even going to try and describe this scene in more
detail because it’s so ridiculous it doesn’t deserve. Y’know I said Zeus was a
terribly convolute Deus Ex Machina two episodes ago? Clearly it was just
foreshadowing this nonsense. Did the writers all get drunk and then, about
2:00am, realise they still had two episodes to write and quickly scrabbled “wishing
well, I believe in fairies, fuck it clap or something. Portal, spooky Asian guy
– what a name? Dragon? That’s asiany right? Yeah call it done. Pass the tequila”?
Hey, remember in Neverland when Henry’s super power was his childish inability to grow up and stop being so damn naive? Well turns out
it’s fecking catching because a speech is all it takes to make New Yorkers
believe in magic and not just laugh at him
So the whole gang is returned to New York and there’s
much hugging and now everyone believes it’s a show (what they believe a kid
making a speech, but a fountain turning into a tree is a trick? The writers
passed out about now. It’s the janitor trying to finish the script. There
should be no reduction in quality) so they don’t have to deal with any
complexities like the world learning about magic
Good gods just let this end. Never have I seen an episode
so obviously phoned in in my life. Seriously, I sat through the Neverland
bullshit. I endured the Frozen nonsense. Once
Upon a Time you have already reached and surpassed your nonsense quota.
Ok, happily ever after twist: so Regina is still all
tormented because of Robin dying and her belief that she’s constantly
struggling against evil impulses and endless cursed with her dark side’s karma.
Since convincing her that she’s already been redeemed doesn’t work, we decide
it’s time to magically wipe the slate clean by using Jeckyll’s serum to separate
Good Regina from Evil Queen.
Oh dear gods there’s so much wrong with this. Can we
start with how just manifesting your evil side to absolve yourself is a really
shitty morality lesson? Or how Regina may have lost her true love but still has
friends and family and still has good things? Or how it’s such a terrible idea to
make major life decisions while grieving? Or because the show just can’t give
her a damn break for a second that her Redemption Train can never reach the station
– and we know, we KNOW, this is going to backfire which is just going to lead
to MORE Regina pain. Or how about the fact these two episodes of Regina
suffering and thinking she’s evil (AGAIN oh gods, again, didn’t we resolve this
with the White magic rescue of Henry? Or Emma refusing to let Regina become the Dark One? Didn’t we do this already?) is actually more storyline and
involvement than Regina has had this entire season?
Of course they do it, summon the Evil Queen and Regina
kills her (wait, can we address the “good side” when you just crushed someone’s
heart? Snow White killed Cora and then Took To Her Bed from the evilness of it
all!)
At least good Regina can let go of her angst? Maybe?
They restore magic to Storybrooke (Henry is still team
magic. Oh and there’s some shit about Valerie's daughter is from Connecticut)
And Hyde appears – because Rumplestiltskin has pulled
some naughty shenanigans. Of course he has.
While the Evil Queen is Not Dead (are we shocked? I’m not
shocked. No-one is shocked. If you’re shocked than you are drunker than the
writers) and she hunts down Asian Stereotype guy and rips out his heart. Why?
Who even knows. At least we get to admire her awesome wardrobe
Can I stick a fork in it now? Is it done?
Well, well done Once
Upon a Time I actually really liked this season, the underworld and the
whole Dark Swan storyline – I was going to miss this show. Thank you for ending
in a way that leaves me not missing you one damn iota, and ensuring I will
regard your return with the same enthusiasm as a bar tender opening his doors
to a bus full of evangelical teetotallers.
These last three episodes have relied on some really
broken and convoluted storytelling to force the plot along. It’s been a problem
all season but these last three have been utterly terrible. This ending is
garbage. Utter, terribly written, inexcusable tripe and everyone involved
should be ashamed.
But yes, in terms of the season, I did like this
storyline, the plots, the twists the whole Dark One storyline. It was fun. There
were flaws: Regina’s non presence is an issue. Zelena’s rapid redemption an
extreme issue. This season has also been terrible with POC – it has raised our
hopes with the presence of Mulan, Merlin, Lancelot, Guinevere and Nimue, definite,
powerful, capable and interesting POC and one by one they were killed off or
dropped in the plot box (along with Regina’s storylines). I stress again, this
show has an immensely HUGE cast, a ridiculously huge cast and it’s appallingly
whitewashed. POC presence is so minor – and to have some tiny attempt to
correct that be so callously dashed aside, these characters be so ill used and
discarded is appalling.
I will return to give a nod to Once Upon a Time having it’s first non-ambiguous, non-deniable
LGBTQ characters in FIVE SEASONS (with that aforementioned HUGE straight cast).
Ruby is bisexual. Dorothy is a lesbian or bisexual. They appeared, they kissed
and they went back to the plot box. One episode. I could almost hear the
writers yell “there, are you happy?! Now shut the fuck up and let’s return to
the hetfest.” No it wasn’t bad, but it was tiny.
I see no real indication in the coming season we’re going
to see an improvement with the POC or LGBTQ characters, sadly. But I do hope
the writers sober up and manage to serve up better than this.
