Before I even start on the recap I am just going to take
10 minutes to rage, an hour to drink and then do some more slightly incoherent
raging
Because
it has happened AGAIN. I’m not even shocked, I never remotely expect Mary
Louise and Nora to live out this season – it’s not like The
Vampire Diaries or The Originals has anything resembling a good record when it comes
to LGBTQ people (get that, there have been 6 LGBTQ characters in
The Vampire Diaries in Originals and
5 of them have died violently.) – and all of the Heretic vampires except a
straight white woman have now been killed, but ye gods the last few weeks have
been brutal for LGBTQ characters.
Ok to the recap
We’ve now fully switched over to the three years in the
future plot. Stefan and Valerie have been on the run/finding magical solutions
to the scar and are now a couple. Rayna, Mary Louise and Nora have all been
imprisoned by the Armoury which Enzo and long lost relative Alex work for.
Damon has been dessicated in his box waiting for Elena to wake up.
Bonnie has been banished to her plot box. Caroline and Alec have been
playing happy families. Matt has still not been brutally murdered. Why has Matt
still not been brutally murdered.
Then Matt released Rayna and blamed it on Enzo, so Alex
now releases Nora to go hunt down Enzo (after poisoning Mary Louise with
anti-witch pills to make her comply) and Rayna, Valerie and Stefan want to
transfer the mark from Stefan to Damon because Damon is on one of his low ebbs
moralitywise and in the ever shifting mortality of this show Damon is now,
apparently, The Worst and always dragging Stefan down. It doesn’t have to make
sense, it’s Vampire Diaries
Speaking of not making sense, let’s take a second to gape at the hot mess of conflicting motivations Rayna is. So, she was changed into Rayne by several disposable woo-woo Native American shamans (can we say again just how terrible this show is with every minority?) to kill vampires. She could just stab them with a stake but no she gets a hell sword which puts them in their own little purgatory forever more so they can also be released because of course they do. I mean vampirss can be killed with wood, one of the most common substances on the planet, but hey, let’s have a dramatic groundhog day hallucination device instead
Anyway, despite this imperative to kill vampires, the
sword actually marks people and she is then mystically compelled to hunt that
vampire, even ignoring other vampires along the way (hence her repeatedly not
killing Damon) except when it’s plot convenient for her not to (like on The Originals when she killed a load of
Stricts). Also since she’s been locked up for three years with nothing to do
but magically spy on Stefan she now has some kind of emotional connection to
him but will still stab him. Oh and she can sense what happens to people in the
stone and wants him to learn from the stone telling him to ditch Damon already –
so what, are the stone and Rayna there to torment vampires or teach them
valuable life lessons or what? What is this hot mess? Has Rayna made so little
sense that they just don’t know how to give her a motivation any more?
So, the plot, after some shenanigans everyone’s on the
run. The plan is still to transfer the scar but both Stefan and Damon have
realised that Rayna is human so will eventually dies of old age – and then so
does everyone she’s marked. For Stefan this means living life to the full. For Damon
this means realising if he has the Mark he will die before he gets to see Elena
again. Slam on the breaks, new plan! Stefan and Valerie are not pleased with
Damon changing his plans at the last second, especially since his refusal to
transfer the mark means Rayna catches up with Stefan and stabs him with the
hell sword while hoping he learns from all his life lessons
Honestly, I have trouble caring. Stefan’s endless
mopiness and blaming of everyone else for his inability to achieve emotional
stability gets on my nerves almost as much as Damon’s endless cycle of
self-hate/self-sabotage/reckless lack of impulse control.
That leaves Valerie and Damon all sad and Valerie pissed
at Damon and Damon pissed at himself and me pissed that they’re not all carpet
bombed.
So what’s happening with Enzo, Mary Louise and Nora? With
Mary Louise’s safety threatened, Nora does find Enzo and uses the witchy
mind-melting power which doesn’t stop him. Seriously, we’ve seen this spell
incapacitate every vampire, up to and including the Originals themselves, for
the last 7 seasons but no, now it doesn’t work. So Enzo and Nora end up
striking a deal which ends up with Enzo talking to Alex (and we learn that Enzo
has been stealing the ant-magic poison pills… possibly for Bonnie which is
ominous) while Nora learns there is no cure and Mary Louise will definitely die
Nora rushes to Mary Louise so they can drive off and
spend some time together before she dies – and they’re attacked by Rayna who
just happens to be passing. Of course they do. They flee – with Rayna’s sword –
but now Nora is marked. Faced with a future without Mary Louise and her own
mark, Nora and Mary Louise, together cast a spell to destroy the Hell stone and
Rayna’s sword
And themselves and the car they’re in. Yes, Nora and Mary
Louise have Thelma and Louised themselves into another lesbian death.
Let me also do a quick summing up of shit I don’t care
about in this over-full episode:
Matt. Anything to do with Matt. His grief, his anger,
whoever this Penny is. Do not care. Not even slightly. No care here
Enzo – I have no damn clue why he has even the remotest
connection to Alex, and don’t care. They’re clutter. Lots of clutter
Things I do care about: Bonnie. Her absence was noted and
the ominous idea of Enzo getting her deadly anti-witch pills is worrisome.
