Dum-dum-dubba-dum-dum-dubba-dum-dum… what? You’re here for the recap? I’m here for the theme tune, you’re going to have to wait. I’m
also like the only person on the entire planet who doesn’t give a shit of John
the Whiney is alive or dead. (Margaery now, and her grandmother, those I care
about) dubba-dum-dum-dubba-dum…
I would also pay a ridiculous sum of money for this
clockwork map. Like seriously. I need it.
Ok I’m done, time for a new season – and the first
episode begins with a whole lot of death – lotsa death.
Let’s start on a high note – Sansa and Theon have escaped
the Boltons (much to the annoyance of Roose because they need the legitimacy
and leverage that these heirs can give them and Ramsay couldn’t control his
vicious sadism for 5 minutes to win them over) and are on the run through the
balmy Canadian summer. Alas, not being Canadian, they’re cold and half frozen
to death and not really up to fleeing cavalry. Thankfully they’re rescued by
Brienne and Pod (who has learned a lot about fighting on horseback) and Brienne
can offer her oath to Sansa (seriously, someone accept Brienne’s oath, she’s
desperate!) and Sansa accepts – with Pod prompting her.
Yay, a good news story! And I will say this about Game of Thrones, it’s brutality is so
often awful, but their fights are very real about it. There’s no-one walking
through a fight against several enemies completely unscathed
More depressingly we move to Kings Landing where Margaery
is still imprisoned and being tormented for not accepting the homophobia of
their religion because of course we have to have religion be homophobic and
persecutors, of course they do. And Cersei is half broken with her own
experience from the church when her brother Jaime comes home… with her daughter
Myrcella’s body
Wait, she’s dead? Let me flip back to last seasons’
recaps. Yup, she’s dead, Ellaria
Sand has poisoned her. I think this is where Cersei and Jaime get
especially dangerous because They. Are. Done.
In Dorne, Ellaria Sands and the Sand Snakes (daughters of
Oberyn) continue their kill fest by murdering Doran, Prince of Dorne, and
Tristan his heir. Most of the guards just watch – Ellaria seems to speak for
the people when she accuses Doran of being inured in his palace, completely
unaware of how angry the people are at his leadership. I think this is where
Dorne’s history needed to be explained more – how Dorne was the only kingdom
that the Valerians didn’t conquer; how their words are “Unbowed, Unbent,
Unbroken.” They’re characterised by their defiance. More recently, Doran has
forgiven the Lannisters both the death of Oberyn and the death and brutal rape
of his sisters Ellia. Ellaria –and the people of Dorne – are not big on forgiveness. I wonder if this is going to be sign of female dominance in Dorne, already the kingdom with the most gender equality
Well that was one kingdom not involved in the war… guess
that’s out now. Daenerys there’s going to be nothing to conquer any more!
Said conquest isn’t likely any time soon as Tyrion and
Varys walking through the pretty devastated and tense city of Meeren find that
her fleet has been burned. Daenerys herself has been kidnapped by (her suitors
diseased Jorah and pining Daario are following her) Dorthraki. Being Dorthraki,
they’re a racist stereotype of marauding rapists (even with marauding rape
pretty much being a constant part of Game
of Thrones) lusting after he pretty white lady (with Dorthraki women
spitefully hating the beautiful white woman because she’s so beautiful). After
many many many rape threats, Daenerys manages to invoke her status as Khal
Drogo’s widow, rendering her unrapeable on account of having being raped by
Drogo. While it’s a relief not to have more drastic rape on this show, it also
means Daenerys has to be dragged to Vaes Dorthrak with the other widows. At
least until her dragon or the rescuing followers step in.
Arya’s still around in Essos as well, beginning a rather
obvious training montage.
Now back to the North, where John has been murdered (normally
I would be sarcastic about this, but Game
of Thrones is literally the only show where I believe them when they say “anyone
can die.”) John’s loyal followers whose names I can’t remember, including Ser
Davos, Stanis’s ex-chief-fan are all sad about that. Thorne is in control and
planning to slaughter the loyalists – giving them a day to surrender politely
to be slaughtered. It seems hopeless
But there’s Meslisandre, the red priestess who cannot say
dressed for five minutes. This time when she strips and takes off her necklace
we see that she’s actually a very old woman with a magical cloak. This reminds
us she has woo-woo – including resurrection
I don’t think John will be dead for long.
