Another jump to the future – 3 years from now with Bonnie
expressing some major regret in what looks like a support group. She goes home
to find Enzo – and greets him with a passionate kiss. Ok, Bonnie this is a bad
plan. Didn’t we just discuss bad decisions
And back to the present with Alaric and his newly raised
zombie-wife Joe (hey here’s one of Bonnie’s many many bad mistakes). She wants
to do research to see if she’s just set off The
Walking Dead. Joe wakes up hungry FOR BRAINS! She’s starve in Mystic
Falls.
It seems Joe has forgotten just about everything including
what a television is and that she is a vegetarian.
Caroline and Stefan are being all lovey dovey and I have
to give points to Caroline being characterised enough and Stefan knowing her
well enough to recognise how lying around doing nothing is Caroline’s idea of
hell. Stefan interrupts everything to be annoying and he wants to drag Stefan
to interview Valerie, of course
Which creates Issues with Caroline. Poor poor Stefan.
At chez Witchpire Oscar is guzzling food and Lily is all
enthusiastic about Julian arriving. Enzo is not. Nora and Mary-Louise are also
concerned that the bright and funny Oscar is looking so grim. Lily et al go out
looking for Julian which worries Valerie who already has a head start looking
for him (Enzo sends a warning). She’s more delayed by Stefan and Damon turning
up and wanting to know why Valerie wanted to kill Oscar. There’s a brief moment
where she tortures Damon (funsies) before Stefan arrives and we have dramangst.
Can we go back to the torture?
So Valerie recaps them on Julian being evil (do I laugh
or cry at how Damon points out that Stefan’s death count is just as huge) and
needing to be stopped while Damon merrily pokes everyone’s sore spots. Damon is
the most evil of big brothers. We keep getting more Caroline and Stefan angst
over Valerie. Oh, honestly, why why why am I being subjected to this?
Bonnie and Caroline catch up noticing how little love
life Bonnie has before talking about Caroline and Stefan’s issues and Caroline’s
decision to force Stefan to meet with his ex. Bonnie goes to see Enzo who accurately sums up
her European holiday as “following Damon around with spare bottles of bourbon”
which is just sad. Bonnie is there to speak to Oscar not exchange taunts with
Enzo – though that’s always fun.
Instead they find Oscar trying to eat the help (which is rude).
Oscar is consumed with hunger and he talks about Bonnie rescuing from the evil
Phoenix Stone.
Back to the passive aggressive road trip - Valerie
mentions that Julian is apparently dead and has been for some time – they’re
off to burn his body. To no-one’s surprise, Valerie is the one who killed him
while Stefan and Valerie snipe at each other. Oscar, however, hid the body in a
room full of coffins. Extra surprise – Lily knows Julian was dead and wants to
use the phoenix stone to bring him back – yes, what a coincidence. Of course
Valerie knows they have the stone – she also adds a lot more info: the Phoenix
stone is full of captured vampire souls. It doesn’t raise someone from the
dead, it places one of those dead souls into a body.
Damn, who knew there’d be consequences to using Dark
Artefacts without research?!
Damon calls Bonnie what the Phoenix Stone actually does –
and has done to Oscar and Rick. Dumping giving the bad news to Bonnie (Bonnie: you
owe me. Really, at this point everyone owes Bonnie so much it resembled
national debt).
Which is when evil Oscar attacks them and is shocked
because he’s a witchpire when before he was just a conventional vampire. Enzo
and Bonnie run. Bonnie then manipulates Enzo by telling him that what the stone
is (the key to Lily’s lost love) and then uses him as a distraction for her to
leave while Fake!Oscar focuses on Enzo. Thankfully that obsession means he’s
distracted enough for Enzo to stake him
Valerie and Stefan decide to delve into their issues some
more. I continue not to care. And Valerie has trouble burning Julian’s body –
because Nora and Mary-Louise have shown up to stop her – along with Lily and
Bo. Valerie says Julian is a monster and Lily slaps her – Stefan and Damon step
in and Lily insists that Julian is the wonderful love of her life.
Valerie decides to incite the Salvatores by revealing it
was Lily’s idea to put Elena in a coma – and Damon predictably attacks (and
tries to… strangle Lily? Really? Really really?) which fails because Witchpire
Bo.
They wake up with just the brothers – and Stefan keeps
trying to invoke motherhood to stop Damon trying to kill Lily. Yeah that’s not
going to sell. He then rescues Valerie for more angst – and she tells him she
was pregnant with Stefan’s child and that Julian beat her until she lost it.
Lily returns home and Enzo, now with the stone and she
talk. She’s super happy to have the stone of souls back but Enzo demands she
thinks – why would Valerie be so against Julian returning. That means appealing
to logic so naturally fails. Instead he decides to appeal to love triangle – of
course he does. Lily choses Julian and Enzo leaves.
And Bonnie calls Alaric to tell him that Jo isn’t Jo.
Alaric obviously goes into full denial and goes after the woman he insists is
his wife. Thankfully the soul in Jo’s body isn’t that murderous and is more
confused and lost. He agrees that she’s not Jo – but that now means they have
to figure out who she is. Alaric has decided to help her find out and not
because he’s in total denial and being super clingy about the woman who looks
like his dead wife.
Stefan reassures Caroline while ignoring the fact he and
Valerie are alone together. Valerie still wants to keep what happened to her
completely secret from Lily. Stefan assures Valerie they will keep the stone
from Lily
Which is a problem because Lily has it and is even now casting the evil resurrection spell with Mary-Lou and Bo. He is alive aghain.
While Damon is planning super-duper vengeance of killing
Julian in front of her. Bonnie’s quite happy with this.
I said Bonnie makes many many bad mistakes. But that’s unfair
– she makes one mistake repeatedly: doing what other people ask her to even
when she knows better. And spending her holidays following vampires around with
booze.
Really every single time Bonnie has said something is a
bad idea she’s been right. But she still does it over and over.
Damon is a mean mean mean big brother. I like it.
Words cannot describe how little I care about the
Caroline/Bonnie/Stefan triangle. So much relationship drama. And now Enzo/Lily/Julian? Seriously we need a whole new language to describe how little the endless love triangles appeal
I would say why is no-one trying to point out Julian is a
monster – but really that’s just Vampire
Diaries. How can just about any of these characters condemn the others as
monsters when they’re all monsters? Monsters has long since failed to become a
barrier to being a love interest or a reason to end a relationship or a reason not
to support your friend being in a relationship with one.
