Los Angeles, 1962 and the Countess – under a different
name – approaches THE MURDER HOUSE. Yes the house from season 1
I suppose if I regarded the first season nostalgically
rather than treating the memories of it as proof that I haven’t drunk enough
booze to kill off those brain cells, I’d be happy about this.
As we know from season 1, this house was run by a doctor
who practiced back alley abortions. “Mrs. Johnson” claims to be 3 weeks
pregnant while obviously much much further along. They operate on her and
remove… a ravenous demon foetus which kills his nurse. This doesn’t put off the
doctor who is happy to deliver the boy (and say congratulations and hand it
over to the mother – I think he rather forgot the purpose of an abortion
somewhere along the way.)
In the present little vampire Holden enjoys playing mind
games with his dad Detective John and show him to the glass cousins. Where he
sees Alex.
Cut to Liz and Tristan having sex. Afterwards Liz has
also got him books – appreciating Tristan for more than being beautiful and
realising he can appreciate books. Tristan asks Liz if she loves him – and Liz
says she doesn’t now while Tristan says he’s certain. They’re very very romantic
together. Finn points out he’s not gay and Liz makes it clear he’s not – and nor
is she: she’s a straight woman. But Liz has the guilts over the Countess.
Who is busy having sex with Will – an actual gay man who
is not sexually attracted to women. So she invites Tristan to come join. She
wants Tristan to help “fluff” him and isn’t taking no for an answer.
Alex has dealt with her soon-to-be-ex husband finding her
playing Goth Snow White by drugging him and appealing to Liz for help. Liz
agrees despite not being a big fan of Alex – and they dispose of the coffins so
Alex can pretend it was another of John’s many many
dreams/visions/hallucinations. He insists on go checking. Naturally he finds
nothing.
This requires more random – Countess saying goodbye to
her baby in a crib in room 33. A baby we don’t see and, frankly, the mystery
better be that it’s NOT the evil demon foetus from the opening because what is
the point of this mystery? Anyway she’s off to France
And now Romona and Donovan visit (hey remember their plan
to seek vengeance against the Countess because this show needs 8 gajillion
storlines?). They’re there to kill the kiddies.Donovan opts out because either
he’s not into kiddie/slaying or over Countess. This leaves Iris and Romona to
go kill some vampire kids who have fortuitously been moved with the coffins. Iris
is also very very ruthless and plans to hunt down the kids – as a mercy
killings. While Ramona heads to room 33.
To hunt down the baby – Bartholomew who moves like a
blur.
The baby gets out after slicing Ramona’s face and gets
lost somewhere in the building. Liz rather classily tells Ramona how silly she
was. She also wants Ramona to back off now Liz has her true love Tristan and
how she’s totally sure the Countess will understand. Ramona realises the
obvious – Liz is playing with fire.
Meanwhile Donovan provides some exposition – the hotel creates ghosts and lots of people, including the annoying hipster kids and the Swedish tourists – are all haunting the place. He tells the story of one suicide who managed to stop reliving her death by “finding her purpose” and apparently killing/terrorising guests. Donovan also mopes about the Countess.
The ghost Swedish tourists decide to seduce and murder
random hotel guests to try and break their cycle and find their purpose. Alex
happens to be passing and tells them that the murder totally didn’t work – they
need to break minds instead… and she promptly directs them at John
John is busy pushing into crime scenes despite being
fired to find another 10 commandment murder only to be given his marching
orders by his former Partner Detective Andy Hahn,
He goes to the hotel to drink and mope and be looked
after by Liz who tries, unsuccessfully to talk some sense into him before
Agnetha and Vendela, the ghost tourists arrive. Another sex scene follows with
an ocean of blood from somewhere, possibly the last victim – and John goes
running to Liz, naked and covered in blood. “Looks like that breakdown is going
well.”
John takes Liz back to his room where Hazel chides him
about the blood stained sheets and Agnetha and Vendela leave, happy to have
found their purpose. Just to finish off John’s descent, James appears – and then
disappears.
John finally decides to leave the hotel and go home to
his daughter Scarlett – and how Alex has vanished for 2 days. Scarlet is not a
happy kid for good reason.
While John focuses on his daughter we get to see that Bartholomew the murdering foetus has stowed away in John’s luggage because why not? John is disturbed by blood stained luggage and, rightly (but nonsensicaly) suspects a stowaway. Because something tiny hiding in his luggage makes way more sense than, for example, his shirt being stained
John’s attempt to shoot Bartolomew causes Scarlett to
freak out even more - this kid is going to need all the therapy in the world.
Alex and Andy discuss his condition and John is left in
Alex’s hands – which doesn’t work as John knows she is staying at the Hotel.
She also finds Bartholomew in the bushes.
The Countess returns from Paris and Liz tells the
Countess she has fallen in love. The Countess says no, she doesn’t share –
after she’s done with Tristan, maybe. Liz points out that waiting is much
easier for the Countess than Liz. They arrange to speak to Tristan together –
to talk about betrayal. Tristan rants because he has perfectly seen what the
Countess does – she finds people, gets them to love her, makes them immortal –
then ditches them knowing they’re pining after her
Hey, Tristan figured it out way faster than the others.
They beg the Countess – and she agrees to let Liz have
Tristan. Then kills him. “He’s yours, bury him.”
Oh, Countess, you’re racking up a few too many enemies
there.
She goes to Room 33 and finds Alex there and is moved that
Alex saved little baby Bartholomew.
Of many things wrong with this show, the way Liz responds
to absolutely everything with class is stellar
And her romance with Tristan – despite the tragic ending and other issues, was actually surprisingly good. There was genuine respect and love – Them both willing to face down the countess, the giving of books, the genuine declaration of love. As well as the assertion that Liz is a straight woman (clearly confirming she is a trans woman) and that them being together does not mean Tristan is gay
There were annoying elements – jokes made at Liz’s expense
(“has more balls”) and that crack about her being a mother and father
Of course, there is an ongoing major problem with trans
women being depicted on screen by cis male actors – these roles need to be
played by trans women not cis men.
I do not like the Countess and Will together – what is
with this storyline’s obsession with trying to get a gay man to sleep with a
woman? And yet again we have more damn rape on this show – with Finn being
forced to have sex with Will for the countess’s amusement.
The storyline has that standard problem with American Horror story, too much shit
going on. The Countess feeding on heartbreak and her vampiric creations
gathering together to bring her down? That’s a story. Serial killer hotel owner
and their ghosties? That’s a story. The 10 commandements killer and John
investigating? That’s a story. All three are not needed or need to be made more
coherent. Alex, in particular, feels so very out of place – going from normal
human doctor to fully immersed with serial killer ghosts and vampire babies and
trying to break John within a week
Though I don’t want a fourth story, the vampire-kid
apocalypse is, presumably, still happening.
