Phil is lying in bed and wakes Carol up because of the noise from her sleep apnea machine. Carol is quick to fall back asleep and a frustrated Phil turns on his side.
The next morning, when Phil heads downstairs, he notes that Carol has painted a dog onto Monet's The Water-Lily Pond. Carol justifies the desecration by saying that the priceless painting needed some life. Phil asks her not to paint on his painting and Carol makes the sad face. I don't agree with Phil on much but defacing a Monet is truly a crime. Phil then notices that his magazines are missing and learns that Carol has placed them in a box in the garage labelled, "molested girls." Phil asks Carol not to move or touch his things and she points out that they live together now. Carol argues that marriage is about compromise and hands him a breast examine pamphlet for his masturbatory pleasure. Carol then notes that Phil has used her decorative hand soap which she put out for company. and Phil defends this horrible violation by pointing out that there are only two other people on earth. The bickering gets into full swing and Phil tries to storm out in frustration but before he makes it to the door, Carol hands him a list of things he needs to pick up. Finally outside, Phil stops by the grievance board and discovers that the majority of the complaints are about him. To add insult to injury, when he looks over his shoulder, Todd is cutting Melissa's hair.
What does a frustrated man do? He collects all of the things on Carol's list and then sets them all on fire. This of course is followed by ranting to God about the fact that he met Carol first and believed that she was the last woman on earth and then was introduced to Melissa. Todd does not even pause for a moment to consider if Melissa, who has always made it clear that she cannot stand Todd would have been happy in that situation but does make a wish for a do-over. Cue sappy music, as a SUV pulls into the parking lot containing two women who are amazed to see another human being. The women introduce themselves as Gail and Erica. When Gail and Erica ask Phil if he is all alone, he pauses before lying and then says that it's just him before asking the women for a hug.
Phil walks with Gail and Erica telling them that he has been alone for the last two years. The two women pick out a house and inside they open a bottle of champagne and toast to finding an alive man. Phil of course takes a seat on the bed, then asks the women to tell him about themselves. Gail is from Sydney and Erica is from North Carolina. Gail compliments Phil for having the intelligence to post the billboards. We learn that Gail and Erica met after the virus (well at least know we know where all the people went but it doesn't answer the question of what happened to all of the bodies), Erica started doing things on her bucket list and she ran into Gail at the White house.
It seems that in the absence of men, Gail and Erica were intimate but now that they have found Phil, they declare and end to their sexual adventures. Hearing this, Phil has to hide his erection. Gail wonders aloud if Phil is even into girls. Phil laughs at this suggestion and says that he is very much into girls. Phil stands to pour champagne for Erica and Gail notices his wedding ring. Phil pauses and then excuses himself saying he has things to check on. Erica and Gail invite him to dinner and Phil agree to return later.
Phil heads back home and explains his long absence by saying that he went to get everything on Carol's list - most certainly not out of obligation or guilt. God, this man is a megadouche. Carol believes that Phil was out so long finding his smile. Phil is relieved that Carol isn't on to him and jumps on the idea that having time for himself was good for him. Phil then suggests that he head out and camp tonight, so that he can find an even bigger smile. Carol is all for this.
Phil heads to his favourite bar to talk to his ball friends about why he lied to Gail and Erica and withheld facts from Carol. Phil believes that leading a double life and hiding facts from Carol will make him a better husband to her. Phil puts on his suit and tie, as he asks his balls if they have any objections to what he is doing.
Phil shows up at Gail and Erica's with two bottles of booze. In the dining room, Gail and Erica have laid out an amazing spread of food. Back at home, Carol serves Todd and Melissa a dish of raisin balls, saying that she has worked hard to blend her things with Phil's in the house. Melissa asks where Phil is and Carol explains that Phil is camping because he wanted some alone time. Todd defends Phil, when Melissa says that she doesn't trust him.
Gail and Erica are pouring booze down Phil's throat, saying that they are glad the last man on earth is fun and cute. Gail asks what Phil thought when he first saw them and he responds that "it was a like a dream - hot older lady and black girl. Yes please." Neither woman is happy with Phil's response, so Phil starts to stumble trying to take back what he said. The mood has completely changed, as Phil apologises, saying that he screwed up and the women deserve to know the truth. Phil then brings up Carol.
At the dinner table, Carol defends Phil, calling him a good person and Melissa neutrally comments that she is glad that Phil makes Carol happy.
Phil tells the women that Carol was his wife and passed away many moons ago. Phil even goes on to lie that he nursed Carol through her death and was there for her every step of the way. Gail and Erica are naturally sympathetic to Phil's lie. Phil even has the nerve to suggest that Carol wanted him to get out there and meet other women and fakes a cry. Phil then apologises for bringing down the party with his true story about his dead wife. Erica decides that to change the mood, they should all go skinny dipping down at the hot spring. Phil starts to hyperventilate, looks down at his weeding ring and then announces they should all race to the car.
Melissa notices the decorative soao that Phil brought back from the hotel for Carol. Todd suggests that they should all do something nice for Phil in appreciation of all he has done for them. Melissa counters saying that they have had too much wine. Todd suggests that they go to the party store and fill the entire house with balloons. Carol is all in on this.
Naturally, both parties run into each other. Gail and Erica are super excited to meet other people. Gail and Carol hug Carol, Melissa and Todd, as Phil struggles to put his pants on. Erica and Gail try to introduce Phil to the group but he has locked the door. Carol is surprised to see Phil and announces that he is her husband.
It seems that Melissa is steadily moving from the role of sex object to ball buster. This is meant to make the audience dislike her but honestly with Phil's antics, who can really blame her? She is absolutely right not to trust him and we have seen evidence of that with Phil's hiding of the cow and now his lies to Gail and Erica.
In the beginning it was possible to sympathise with Phil because he was the last man left standing and that had to be a lonely situation. We are now on episode nine and it has become evident that probably even before the virus wiped everyone out, Phil was a horrible human being. It's more than the fact that he is a permanent man-child; it's his absolute douchebaggery. All Phil saw when he looked at Gail and Erica are women to fuck. He most certainly didn't see them as people.
With the introduction of Gail, we now have two people of colour. Of course, Phil has to point out that she is black and then conflate that with her sexuality. Thanks for that Last Man on Earth. Phil reduces Gail to a fetish and it is made worse by the fact that Gail barely calls him out on it and then is quick to forgive him after being sold a bunch of lies.
Gail and Erica also constitute the GLBT representation on The Last Man on Earth. I am not sure how to take this because it became clear very quickly that they were both happy to stop sleeping with each other in favor of getting a little dick from Phil. This means that they had sex together because of a lack of options, rather than natural inclination. It doesn't sit well with me at all and feeds into the myth that bisexuals and lesbians just need some dick to set them on a different path. I don't expect more from this show at this point but suspect that this will not lead anywhere good.
On a final note, Sparky will continue to owe me forever for dumping this hot mess in my lap. I cannot wait for it to come to and end.
