This episode opens with another town hall meeting where Carol thanks Todd for helping her move her dresser upstairs. Todd graciously declares it fun, saying that it gave him time to spend alone with her. Carol then notices that Melissa is now wearing a charm bracelet - a gift from Todd. Phil of course is not at all impressed though Carol calls it sweet, adding that Phil has never given her anything. A less than subtle reminder that Phil has been saddled with Carol - the strange and undesirable one. Phil then shows the group a set of sculptures he made of the group. Todd suggests leaving it outside by the campfire and the women are unsurprisingly enthused. Phil then breaks Todd's sculpture but what he actually did is remove the Phil figure accidentally. Naturally, no one missed Phil on the sculpture.
Phil shows up at Carol's to borrow her DVR and is informed that hers only has Cake Boss on it. Carol being Carol has to spoil the ending despite Phil's warnings. Carol uses this as an opportunity to suggest living together, adding that the space between them isn't helping with their plan to repopulate the earth. Carol sites Melissa and Todd, who are already basically living with each other (who have thankfully stopped playing She Drives Me Crazy). This does not enthuse Phil and so Carol asks Phil to fix her door again. Carol of course invoked Todd, a guarantee to get Phil moving. Phil whines about not getting respect in the community and then lies about originally heading to Carol's to actually fix her door. Carol tells Phil that he doesn't have to fix the door if he lets her move in.
Phil heads to the bar so he can talk to his ball friends about how the women are having a Todd love-fest. Well comparing Todd and Phil, who can blame them? Phil believes that Todd is stealing his thunder because he is of course the president. Todd begins to think of a way to prove to the women that he is worthwhile and heads outside where he finds a cow at the side of the road. You know, as you do.
Phil has now gathered everyone announcing that he has a game changer to share with them. Of course, when he opens the door, the cow is not there. Carol and Melissa start to snark and begin to walk away but they don't get far because the cow makes an appearance. Phil wants to slaughter the cow for hamburger and steak but Melissa wants to keep the cow for milk. Phil believes the humane thing is to slaughter the cow because they don't know how to keep it alive. Cue Todd, who spent the summers on his uncle's dairy farm. Todd knows how to milk the cow, as well as make cheese and butter. The women become excited, so Todd pulls rank and claims that since he found the cow, he gets to decide what happens to it. After the discontent, Phil agrees to let the cow live though he is lactose intolerant. Todd offers to keep the cow in his backyard but Phil rejects this this idea stating that the cow will live with him. This sets Carol off because she wanted to move in with Phil. The cow takes the moment to escape and naturally heads straight to Todd's. Now even the cow prefers Todd.
Todd ties off the cow and begins giving a demonstration on how to milk the cow. Phil snarks that Todd learned to do this working as a male prostitute. Great slut shaming and homophobia. Yeah, for comedy. Carol and Melissa are orgasmic about the taste of milk. Todd shares his limited information of cows and Phil pretends that the smell of milk is making him sick and uses that as an excuse to leave.
Later that night, Phil sneaks back to the cow milks it and then drinks. Yes, this jack ass lied about being lactose intolerant for the sake of steak. Phil is forced to hide when Melissa walks over to the cow to get some milk for her coffee. Todd joins her, commenting that there is something about a woman who can milk a cow. The two kiss, which naturally upsets the manchild Phil. When the two leave, Phil heads back to the cow and undoes the knot Todd has tied to secure it. Phil then leads the cow away, ecstatic because the cheese and yogurt are going bye bye. How old is Phil supposed to be again?
The next day, Carol and Melissa are excited about having a bowl of cereal when Todd rushes in to announce that the cow is gone. Phil is down at the bar talking to his ball friends about how he had to take over the situation, so that he could be a hero twice over. Is this really his version of alpha male?
Phil heads back to the community and pretends that he had nothing to do with the cow. Todd talks about seeing the cow in the middle of the night and of course Phil blames Todd for making a bad knot. Phil tells everyone not to assign blame but Melissa says that no one is blaming Todd. Phil however does try again to get the community to blame Todd and Melissa again has to assert that Todd is not at fault. Phil says that he is going to look for the cow and Melissa then accuses Phil of hiding the cow.
Melissa divides the map into sections and asks Phil where the bar he likes to hang out is. Phil is shocked that Melissa is on to him and tries to delay the search but Melissa is determined to start right now. The first place Melissa goes is to the bar and Phil watches from a distance (have we had an episode where he isn't actively stalking Melissa?). It seems that the cow left the bar. Phil rushes in wondering where the cow has gone and notices that one of his ball friends is on the floor crushed. Awww a sad moment for the manchild and yet another reason for me to roll my eyes.
Phil starts to search for the cow and who should he come across but Todd, walking the cow back to the community. Todd tells Phil that he is going to tell the girls that he found the cow because he feels bad about how hard Melissa came down on him. Phil asks Todd why he would want to do something so nice for him. Todd explains that if it wasn't for the alive in Tuscon signs, he wouldn't be here right now with the woman of his dreams. Todd adds that he has two great friends in Phil and Carol and is so happy. When are the writers going to give Todd some common sense? When is Todd going to stop being grateful to the supposed White hope Phil?
Later that night, Phil tells everyone he found the cow. Melissa apologises to Phil for being hard on him. They all make orgasmic sounds as they eat ice cream and Phil starts to eat it. When Melissa points out that Phil is supposed to be lactose intolerant, Phil claims that this is his cheat day.
Later that night, Phil wakes to screaming. Phil, Melissa and Todd rush over to Carol's to find that the cow is in Carol's bedroom. Carol announces that because of the cow, she is now moving in with Todd, since cows apparently don't go down stairs. Later, Carol and Todd are lying in bed and Todd says that he doesn't understand how the cow got loose and climbed Carol's stairs. While she lies about how this all happened, the camera shows Carol leading the cow into her bedroom. It seems she took a note from Phil's playbook.
Yeah, I won't have to watch this horror show for another week, though there are unfortunately five episodes left. Sparky as you read this, I hope that you are feeling guilty for saddling me with this puerile nonsense.
We finally moved away from an episode of Melissa playing the sex object. It took long enough. We are however still fixating on Todd, as the fat guy with a heart of gold, who naturally worships Phil. Why? None of his reasons make any sense given how Phil has treated Todd since he arrived. At this point, I just want to see Todd smack Phil.
The whole thing with the cow was Phil's attempt to earn some respect. It never dawned on Phil to simply try being a decent guy because apparently, he doesn't have a decent bone in his body. Because Last Man on Earth is a comedy, it all had to backfire in his face. I did however like that Melissa called Phil out on hiding the cow though I was sad the cow wasn't in the bar. Because the cow was moved, it make Melissa appear harsh though she was bang on the money. Melissa is the only one who seems to ever see Phil for the asshole that he is. At this point, I think that Melissa is the only somewhat likable character of the entire show.
I am still waiting to find one thing about this show funny. In eight episodes, I have yet to laugh a single time. I am sick of the bathroom humor, the characters which are walking tropes and the man-child protagonist. Why is this show certain to be renewed? What exactly am I missing?
