The Forbidden Fortress, Many years ago
Wait, we have a Forbidden Fortress? And am I the only one
who finds ominous castles with names like that really unimpressive? It’s the
very definition of trying too hard, dare I say, overcompensating for something?
Ursula enters Maleficent castle (taking down a guard -
or, as Not!Pam says “knocked out, strangled or tried to impregnate” since she
doesn’t know what the tentacles are for) and Maleficent objects to this.
Someone invited Ursula and it wasn’t Maleficent (which is just rude). They’re
interrupted by two large dogs which Cruella seems to control with her
halitosis. She was also invited.
Maleficent is also not impressed.
Rumplestiltskin, the one who invited them all, arrives
before they start fighting. He’s pitching his plan of the villains getting the
happy endings. Time for his pitch (in which he reveals he knows what they all
secretly want), they need a Dark Curse that will get them all their Happily
Ever After.
This involves going through a series of traps each
tailored to a villain’s talent to gain the curse. Of course, Rumple double
crosses them and leaves them to die at the hands of the Chernobog, a demon that
feeds on evil (actually a Slavic god as I recall). That leaves the 3 villains
to fight it – and co-operate (it goes for the most evil which is apparently
Maleficent).
To the present and Storybrooke and everything is idyllic
(and yes, that includes Regina, now mayor again, burning Mary Margaret’s sappy
artwork cluttering up her gloriously stylish office).
But there is something sinister underneath – the Blue
Fairy and all her Fairy-Nuns are still missing (thanks to Rumple) and Killian
and Belle are working on trying to release them, which means investigation.
Which isn’t going to go well if Killian remains contemptuous of computers (and,
Killian, that computer is way too out dated to be a magic box). Of course
Killian is tortured by the guilt weasels because any attractive man who looks
good in black leather and eyeliner simply has to have some darkly tortured
angst to go with it. It’s a rule. Bella
has similar guilt weasels but softer – Rumple tricked them both, it happens.
Belle is also sad because she did love Rumple, despite how it ended between
them.
In New York, Rumple is living a far less idyllic life
with the aquarium loving Ursula – both of them without magic outside of
Storybrooke. And there is something deeply disturbing watching Rumple microwave
ramen. Ursula’s also getting tired of him freeloading on her. But Rumple has
plans
Plans which lead them to a fancy house in Long Island
where Cruella lives – only her stuff is being repossessed and her husband just
got arrested. He launches his recruitment pitch though she doubts both his lack
of magic and his physical infirmity (Rumple walks with a cane). They’re off to
track down the storybook’s author who is responsible for all their misfortune
(as opposed to, as Cruella puts it, “bad judgement and gin.”) And they go for
drive through
Drive through. That’s it, this season has won me.
In Storybrooke, Regina is also looking into the
Sorcerer/Author and Emma brings her lunch (which is awesome and fun and they
finally can have a fun conversation without snapping at each other. Which is something
of a shame because Regina’s put downs are works of art). Emma also finds the new
page of the storybook of Regina and Robin kissing which comes with a lot of
sadness for Regina. She hasn’t heard from Robin
In bustles Killian and Belle with a ceremony they’ve
found to release the fairy-nuns, which they need Regina to cast. Giving Regina
the Hat and the Dark One’s dagger. The fairy-nuns are released; my that was
surprisingly easy (and Emma gets the Blue Fairy to thank Regina). Ominously a
giant black shadowy bat thing also escapes. Also no-one notices this
More worryingly, Regina leaves with Rumple’s dagger. Noooo do not make her evil. DO NOOOOOT!
Celebration time (and more Killian Guilt Weasels) at
Granny’s and Henry, Emma and Regina decide to ask the Blue Fairy about the
Sorcerer and his blank books she reveals that The Sorcerer and The Author are
not actually the same person. And The Author vanished but left cryptic clues in
his work
The lengths some people will go to to make you read their
books! Further speculation is interrupted by a huge roar. In Regina’s words “I
guess we should go out and see what’s killing property values this time.” Oh
Regina!
That would be a demon. A chernobog demon by the look of
it. Hunting the person whose heart has the most potential for evil. Oh I smell
a lot of angst from this one. It escaped the hat (the shadowy thing) and a loop
hole in the hat is that once released it can’t be put back in. So Emma and
Regina work together to throw magic at it because they’re epic when they
co-operate and manage to drive it off – not kill it. Time for operation monster
handling; Belle on research, Mary
Margaret on innocent bystander wrangling, Killian on looking hot in leather and
eye liner (essential role) – they work like an oiled machine now.
Team Evil reaches the border of Storybrooke which Rumple
marked with his tie (it’s cloaked from the outside). Ursula and Cruella are done trusting Rumple,
Cruella drawing a gun and Ursula knocking him to the floor by kicking away his
cane. They humiliate him and expose the underlying cowardice of Rumple without
his powers. Of course, he has a plan and he manages to trade his vulnerability
into a tool to making them trust him
Ursula calls Regina to tell her they stole Rumple’s phone
and how she and Cruella want to come to Storybrooke and change and earn
redemption like she has. Regina is really not buying it. Of course, Ursula and
Cruella have fought the beast before so a deal is struck; if Cruella and Ursula
give them information to destroy Chernobog, they’ll let them in
Regina assumes since Chernobog is hunting evil, he must
be hunting her (lacking a dwarf called “Evilly”). Emma refuses to sacrifice
Regina
To the town line in Emma’s car (Regina snarks because she’s
Regina and awesome) and the Chernobog leaps on them – Regina refuses to let the
demon kill them both and magically teleports out, intending to lead it away
from Emma but they’re at the town lines and a lot of momentum gets them tossing
the demon over the edge – to a land without magic where I assume it poofs and
disappears. Or rampages round Maine. Either way it’s unlikely many people will
notice.
Joined by Mary Margaret and David they debate trusting
Ursula and Cruella. For once, Mary Margaret is being sensible rather than the
stunned ball of fluff and hope she always is, and votes against letting
supervillains into town. Regina, understandably, can’t write them both off
because she knows she was once worse than either of them. Regina and Emma may
be wrong, but they’re more awesome so they overrule the Charmings.
Yes, the Charmings were actually right. Mark it on the
calendar, it won’t happen again.
New villains in town!
That night, Gold waits for his confederates to come back
and let him in too and, after a long wait, they do. He steps through, throwing
away his cane as he does, newly empowered. He tells them to make friends and
Ursula points out he hasn’t done anything
The ritual Belle got from an “Oxford professor” to open
that hat was from him. All of which he did, on the outside, without magic.
Because he’s Rumple and he may be evil but damn he’s
good. Step 1 is finding Maleficent. But
Ursula’s worried about Regina because she managed to match Chernobog though
Rumple counters that Chernobog was after Emma, the greatest potential for evil.
Mary Margaret and David decide to be threatening and
warning to Cruella and Ursula. It’s like being menaced by a lettuce. But Mary
Margaret also insists they don’t mention “what happened between us in the
Enchanted Forest” otherwise Mary Margaret will rip out their hearts. I’d be impressed
by the menace if there was any way she could back it up.
I’m assuming that this was something evil, not slashbaiting.
I’m sorry but even halitosis animal control does not
bring Cruella up to the same league as Maleficent or Ursula. Though I want Ursula to show power beyond “has
tentacles”. However her one liners are pretty good (almost on par with
Maleficent. In fact, I already love the villains way more than I love Mary
Margaret. Admittedly, this isn’t saying much). Also Drive Through villains.
I am not thrilled on the way they attack Rumple. His cowardice? Certainly, remind us that without his ominous magic Rumple was always a man who was afraid. His weakness? Sure, go for the man whose only power has been stripped from him. But a “cripple” “struggle to walk” kicking away his cane? Their attacks focus entirely on his disability; of all the things about him, this is the focus of their contempt. I similar don’t like that a symbol of Rumple regaining his power is losing his disability
Regina and Emma have high promise this season without the
usual antagonism – they’re far better not just as grudging allies but genuinely
on the same side, with Emma commiserating Regina’s loss rather than causing
them. I also think it’s worth noting the ceremony that involved giving Regina
the Sorcerer’s Hat and the Dark One Dagger- ultimate cosmic power handed over
to Regina without a second of hesitation or distrust.
I do think Regina and Emma gave in to Ursula and Cruella a little early – they barely even tried to defeat the Chernobog before inviting evil villains to play.
The snark potential of this half season is immense
