Riario and Leo are in a prison – the same cell we saw
from the pilot – being all angsty and thoughtful. Riario recaps his past for
us, brought up in a monastery and recruited by the pope to do terrible things –
things that make him all sad and tortured.
Ima drops in to say she’s totally not loving it but they’re
going to sacrifice Leo and Riario because then the gods will be happy and give
them the Leafy Book (and maybe Leo’s mother) since there’s still puzzles left
in the Indiana Jones Vault. But hey, she has some new bling for him while he
gets sacrificed. Leo asks that Zoroaster and Nico be spared – but they weren’t
up for sacrifice anyway; they get to spend their days serving (skinning
carcasses) and Leo gives them a cryptic message which Zoroaster interprets from their…
colourful history as meaning to leave – without Leo.
Zoroaster begins his plan – and Nico gives him away. Zoroaster is shocked – what has Riario done to Nico. Then Nico kills the guard who grabbed Zoroaster (clearly not focusing on Nico) – Riario taught young Nico to survive. The rest of the coded message involves the big vats of, apparently fat, tat the camera focused on earlier. By setting them on fire, Zoroaster intends to create a diversion.
Leo and Riario are taken out to be sacrificed, a ritual
happens in the background while Riario and Leo talk about fatalism and hearing
Leo’s mother and things that are really really irrelevant when you’re about to
be killed. As Riario is about to be sacrificed, Leo stabs his guard with his
nifty knew bling and then grabs a sword from Ima (one of theirs) and holds it
to the high priest’s throat. Leo makes a big speech (translated by Ima) about
how they’ve survived the Vault and need to return or their gods will be
vengeful (why they should believe Leo’s take on what will piss off their gods
rather than Ima and the High Priest is a mystery).
Then the fat explodes. Leo and Riario runs, Leo grabbing
his key/Lucrezia’s ring back off Ima. They meet up with Nico and Zoroaster and
their plan is to flee up the mountain back into the Vault, of course.
They run through the Vault, chased by Ima and the guards.
Leo locks the door behind them, crushing one of the Incan guards in the
doorway. Leo leaves Zoroaster and Nico with plans to make parachutes (yes yes
he does) and goes to find his mother. Leo geniuses open the Vault while Ima
cries that the book belongs to her people who will die without its help.
Inside is a little golden bust which speaks with his
mother’s recorded voice.
….
…
.
Ok, let’s just run with this, little gold robots with
speakers, why not? Leo takes it out – wow that looks really cheap. You can
virtually see the plastic. Riario is very upset by the lack of a Leafy Book,
Leo is very upset by the lack of his mother (Leo, if your mother had been
locked in a vault for several years, you wouldn’t want to see her).
The plastic toy-pretending-to-be-metal explains she had
to move the book and the only way Leo can find the book is if he stops looking
for her. Anything further is interrupted by an uncannily aimed arrow that breaks
it. They run to the convenient huge drop off and Ima begs Leo not to take the
book from her people – he tells her there was no book and they jump off the
mountain.
They land in the rain forest and Riario breaks his leg –
a compound fracture. Leo and Zoroaster don’t decide to leave him to his fate
despite Zoroaster’s very sensible suggestion
Leo’s plan is to return to Florence and fix the plastic
toy and hear the rest of his mother’s message. And Riario shares another example
of why Evil Pope is Evil and made him do Evil things – making Riario kill his
own mother (a Jewish prostitute). He was seeking the Leafy Book for some kind
of absolution and now he’s going back empty handed. Leo tries to cheer him up –
they have an ugly brazen head!
In Rome, the evil Pope meets with Alfonzo (son of Ferrante,
King of Naples) who reports that the war against Tuscany is going well – but that
Lorenzo is in Naples and who knows what he and his dad will plot. The Pope
considers a direct strike against Florence
Prince Bayezid arrives from Constantinople, following Lucrezia’s slightly bemusing plan; because he thinks the Pope invited him and the Evil Fake Pope has no idea what he’s talking about, thinks they’re enemies with no peace and, also, that if Bayezid has the Sword of Osman it’s because he’s a thief. Everyone draws swords and Bayezid warns them if he doesn’t send word to his people they will tell the Sultan; but the Pope rightfully guesses Bayezid is there without his father, Mehmed’s knowledge, since Mehmed would never expect peace.
The Pope has zero desire for peace and has his guards
attack to kill everyone but Bayezid (Alfonzo and Bayezid square off) (while Quon
Shan slaughters the other guards – he may not get any speaking lines but the
Asian character gets nifty martial arts, of course). Quon Shan escapes after
killing everyone but Bayezid is attacked from behind and disarmed. The Pope has
him dumped outside of Rome, stripped of his clothes and his horse murdered to
send the message that “Christendom knows no boundaries”. So no peace with the
Ottomans.
As he is dumped outside the city, Quon Shan sends a
message to the Real Pope in his prison. The Pope’s expression doesn’t twitch
with whatever news he gets
Outside Constantinople, a worried Lucrezia is met by
Jacob Pasha, an advisor to the Sultan and former Christian. And he knows
exactly who Lucrezia is and to find out what she really wants they bring in a
woman in chains with henna markings on her hands to find the truth.
In Naples, Lorenzo is worried – news from Florence tells
him that Clarice is dependent on Carlo (who Lorenzo doesn’t seem to be a big
fan of) and he’s stuck, delayed. He tells all this to Ippolita who, of course,
is quick to stick her knife in Clarice and say how much better she would be. Of
course she does. He talks about how he thought they would marry and she pounces
– time to declare they’re in love! He’s not that into running away and becoming
an unknown peasant with Ippolita – he has to fight for Florence
While Lorenzo is delayed, Piero is bribing and schmoozing
with the nobles of Naples. Which all goes horribly wrong when they’re kidnapped
by some French pirates. No, really.
Ippolita tells Lorenzo that these particular pirates have
been dodging Ferrante for a while, stealing from the royal fleet repeatedly.
Lorenzo can’t even pay a ransom because he can’t get more gold from Florence and
he’s already spent most of his cash bribing people. Ippolita points out asking
Ferrante for help will be a disaster – but defeating the pirate, Ozo, may win
Ferrante over.
They go to the pirate ship with money Lorenzo borrowed
from Ippolita – and Ozo jacks up the price since his men recognised Piero as
Leonardo’s son. But that doesn’t matter because Ippolita has brought guards to
capture all the pirates anyway; Ozo is shocked because she was the one who paid
him to kidnap Piero in the first place. Lorenzo is duly confused, but Ippolita
knows you need more than bribes to impress Ferrante – now he has bribes and has
defeated a notorious pirate.
Of course, after this Lorenzo and Ippolita have sex
(would that be some Gratuitous
heterosexuality? Yes yes it would). They’re interrupted by a message which
Lorenzo orders to be slid under the door. Ippolita gets up to collect it (more
nudity). The king will now see Lorenzo. Ferrante is impressed – Lorenzo has
shown himself more than a banker, he’s shown himself willing and able to fight
and kill as well.
Alfonzo barges in protesting such praise – and brings
with him Evil Fake Pope. The Pope wants to discuss Lorenzo’s surrender
I have no idea what Lucrezia is planning or what this was
supposed to achieve. I hope some sense will come out of this hot mess. If her plan is "start a war between Christendom and the Ottoman Empire" then I call shenanigans on her sense of priorities
But praise to Ippolita! Is that the first time on this
show that a woman has shown a proven level of intelligence and cunning and
being fully up to the twists and turns of Italian politics? Shame she does it
for an unrequited love interest – but COMPETENCE!
And we saw her naked. Of course we did. Has there actually been one single woman on this show we haven’t seen naked and having sex? I actually half-joked in my recap of episode 6 that we would definitely be seeing Ippolita naked and having sex – behold, I was right. Not only is it more Gratuitous Heterosexuality, but even it continues to glaring nudity disparity between these characters – despite the humping, very few of the men have shown as much skin as the women – and more, the women’s storylines are very focused on the men.
We need to look at POC and woo-woo here; the Incans have
nothing but woo-woo, traps and endless sacrifices. That’s what they do –
sacrifice. The brief pretention of respecting their incredible architectural
achievements is quickly lost among the endless chain of woo-woo and sacrifice.
We already had The Abyssinian being a source of endless woo-woo. Al Rahim is
ready to appear anywhere to throw out some woo-woo. And now the Ottoman Empire –
at the time very much technologically advanced beyond most if not all of
Western Europe – is now pulling out some more woo-woo.
Leo’s storyline remains the least compelling. And really,
you can afford so many costumes and props and extras – but this fancy Brazen
Head looks like it should have Fisher Price stamped on the bottom
