It’s 1:00am and Myka is browsing through websites about
ovarian cancer, when she hastily hides them when Pete joins her. She starts
being nostalgic and Pete realises something’s wrong. She considers telling him
– and has a series of flashes of how she thinks he’ll react (some of them
ludicrous) and decides not to tell him. Alas, Pete being up early also stops
Claudia and Nick (remember
Nick?) from stealing Pete’s 3:00am sandwich (I’m vaguely disturbed that
Pete has a 3:00am sandwich and that everyone knows about it).
And then Artie comes in – this is a house full of nightowls – with a ping. He acts quickly – getting rid of Nick, getting Claudia to find a place to put Nick that isn’t the super-secret Warehouse that is supposed to be a secret and hidden and all (she steal’s Pete’s sandwich, all is good) and then gets really really excited about the super-duper ping. The Treasure of Roaring Dan Seavy. A pirate. Oh dear, a pirate? There is no way Pete is going to let that pass.
Apparently this pirate stole shinies from Warehouse 12 (Victorian London – wait, pirates? In Victorian London?) and Artie intends to get them back. During the transfer of Artefacts from Warehouse 12 to 13 a cargo ship full of Artefacts was raided by pirates off the Atlantic coasts – we get a nice view of… hmm, 16th century wooden ships fighting? Anyway, apparently a crate of Artefacts was stolen and agent David Walker was killed.
Artie has a lead – half of a puzzle box built by Roaring
Dan (Artie stole it from the Smithsonian). And they have 5 hours to meet up
with Artie’s black market dealer in Buffalo to buy the second half
In a café in Buffalo they find Fisher, Artie’s contact.
Who turns out to be a front for Charlotte Duprix who has the other half of the
puzzle box. She also reminds them of breaking into her home, stealing from her
and shooting her in case there’s any doubt about her illwill. After much
haggling she says she’s willing to combine their puzzle boxes and split the
loot 50/50; Artie looks ready to agree before Pete and Myka bring some sanity.
But Artie has some more sense than just desperation – Charlotte must have
dragged them to Buffalo for a reason, the stash must be nearby. They can’t risk
Charlotte finding the stash without them.
So, after a brief snarking of Artie aimed perfectly at recapping,
Myka and Pete have another moment where Myka considers telling Pete the truth
but can’t bring herself to. They activate the puzzle box and it shows them a
series of numbers – longitude and latitude. Then seals itself. Charlotte
briefly panics that she can’t get the numbers again but, of course, Myka’s
super-memory kicks in. They go to the location –it’s a grave yard. They split
up and find the grave of Roaring Dan’s first mate and it’s made of an odd
substance – time for Rodin’s hammer and chisel to reveal shapes within it (and
Pete wonderfully lampshades how Artie’s bag always has exactly what they
need). They see a meter, the letters
NFPC – which is when Artie discusses loosing Charlotte and her minion, Lars –
and they get tased. Yes, Charlotte was expecting a double cross. Or was ready
to double cross. Possibly both.
The gang wake with Charlotte gone – but know where she’s
going: Niagara Falls Power Company. To the falls; built in 1897 when Roaring
Dan was active, Artie suspects the stash would be buried around there (and Pete
suffers as the genius Myka gets all her superhero knowledge wrong). They find
the key to the hidden cave – but it looks like Charlotte may be there first.
And Pete’s inevitably pirate voice appears. Of course
Inside the cave they find Lars’s body, his neck snapped.
Guess Charlotte has no more use for him. Going further in they find a room that
looks like a replica of one from Roaring Dan’s ship – and it looks undisturbed.
Inside they find a very very old body – a skeleton; Roaring Dan himself. Such a
blatant display of mortality bothers Myka and she goes outside to watch the
hall.
Where she finds Charlotte. A brief fight later and Myka
easily pins her. She claims she didn’t kill he bodyguard – they were attacked,
they’re not the only ones down there.
Which is when Artie and Pete are attacked by a shadowy cloud of pretty decent CGI. A shadowy cloud that can lift Artie and is seemingly immune to tesla fire. Only Artie accidentally hitting a bell – causing it to ring, makes the shadow back off. Pete assumes noise is what drives it off and starts banging things, I think it may have more to do with the odd way the bell resonates. The shadow flees under a rug – a very very obvious location for a secret passage. Which is when Myka calls with the warning – a little late
All in the room, Charlotte confirms the dagger Lars had was treasure he picked up not a weapon to fend her off. Artie puts that together with him moving coins off a chest to the shadowy creature being there to protect the loot. Charlotte Duprix finds this very stranger. The Warehouse team rate it, maybe a 6 out of 10 for strangeness. They’ve seen stranger. And in an excruciatingly slow mental process, they find the hidden doorway under the rug. Even without the shadow lurking around, isn’t under the rug the first place you look for a secret trap door? That’s up there with checking behind paintings for safes!
In the secret lair they find treasure and the missing
Warehouse 12 Artefacts. But they need to find the smoke monster Artefact before
touching anything so they can goo it. Charlotte, meanwhile, finds half an
amethyst geode which she pockets – then texts Nick to say she’s only found
half. Artie notices and confronts her. In the argument she grabs a golden
goblet – and Smokey appears. Alas, the gang listens to Pete and just stand
there making noise which achieves nothing – and Smokey snaps Charlotte’s neck.
So much for immortality. And Myka snaps at Pete for his joke – her mortality
issues raising again. Artie realises the bell is the thing that distracted
Smokey and Myka, from examining Smokey’s skeletal fingers, realises it’s the
spirit of Roaring Dan.
Looking through the crates they find the amulet of Alistair Crowley, that is related to Astral Projection. And Myka remembers it in the skeleton’s hand upstairs. They go, prepared with the goo bag and the bell – but the minute they touch the amulet, Smokey appears, pinning all 3 of them and strangling Artie and Pete. Myka can’t reach the amulet – but Charlotte appears and asks how to stop it, Myka tells her and the amulet is gooed.
Ok, I take it back – apparently that immortality thing is
pretty damn good.
Meanwhile Claudia sees Jinks in a “snit” because Nick is
bothering him – everything Nick says is pinging Jink’s lie detector sense
and/or is evasive. Claudia puts it down to him being a naturally suspicious
street kid, like she was, and dismisses it all, identifying too much with Nick
to listen to Jinks’ words of caution. This conversation is overheard by
Nefarious Nick who goes outside to collect an untraceable phone and a gun from
Charlotte Duprix – his mother.
He tries to patch up with Jinks – by tearfully confessing
to Jinks that yes he is a liar because he’s not used to being able to trust
people because of living on the street and being preyed upon. It ends with
awkward hugging. But apparently Jinks has mountains of paperwork to do
Despite awkward hugging, Nick then goes to Claudia and
tells her how mean Jinks is and how he’ll never trust Nick. At this point
Claudia, you should be asking why the person with the INFALLIBLE LIE DETECTOR
doesn’t trust someone and realise how silly this whole thing is.
Intruder alert at the Warehouse! Claudia and Jinks zoom
to respond and Jinks makes the very obvious assumption about who the intruder
is. Claudia reserves judgement. They go in, find the lights have been turned
off and turn them back on (Claudia: “if there’s anything I can’t do I’ll let
you know, FYI, there’s not.” Ok naïve trusting has been forgiven because of
this line). Checking thermal imaging,
they find the Broze sector has heat – that’s not unreasonable since the living
people in there still radiate some heat, but it does make it an ideal hiding spot.
When Jinks gets there, Claudia sees someone following him
on thermal imaging. Jinks sees who it is and is scared and shocked – and tells
Claudia to get out of the Warehouse. He yells that, whoever it is, is dead –
that “she killed you” then the connection breaks off. Claudia runs to help and
runs into – Marcus
Diamond: Sykes’s old crony. The man who was kept alive by the metronome
before Jinks. A man who is supposed to be dead.
Claudia turns and runs until – “20 miles of warehouse and
I find the one dead end.” Marcus resumes
his ominous stalk, tells Claudia he bronzed Jinks – and Claudia throws a
firework Artefact at him – lots of noise and light
Claudia runs to Jinks and finds him bronzed. She starts
to bypass the lock to open it (it has a DNA lock which apparently isn’t tuned
to Claudia) and Marcus watches her – his shape morphing into Nick (hands up
anyone who didn’t see that coming?)
She overrides the bronzer – and finds a glowing purple
Artefact in her back pocket. Touching it she remembers all the false memories
that have been planted – Nick, putting it in her pocket, hearing an intruder
alarm that wasn’t there, walking in with Nick believing it was Jinks, telling
him how to override the security. She goos it and starts to tell Jinks he was
right- but then realises the man who was bronzed was another hallucination. It
isn’t Jinks; Jinks is back in the Guesthouse inundated with paperwork. She
calls him on the Farnsworth – the paperwork is another hallucination; she tells
him to bag the magnet in his pocket to clear his vision. Franz Mesma’s magnets –
they create illusion through suggestion. Claudia has an almost tearful rant
about how Nick betrayed her trust (I have a not even slightly tearful rant
about the Warehouse needing better security protocols).
Interrupted by Nick pointing a tesla at Claudia’s head
and closing her Farnsworth (well, Claudia was interrupted. I’m still ranting). She
protests to Nick that the bronzed guy is dangerous; but he knows that but he
needs the man. Paracelsus, incarcerated in 1541 (A Swiss Renaissance
alchemist). Claudia tries to smack him and gets teslaed. Paracelsus is released
– he recognises Nick and asks what year it is in German.
Looks like the son of the immortal Charlotte may be
immortal himself. Immortally 15. Ok, he has ever reason in the world to be
severely pissed. Also, Anthony Head – this can only ever be a good thing.
Paracelsus looks at the unconscious Claudia and realises
she’s from the Warehouse – and is therefore a threat.
Back at the pirate cave, Charlotte Durpix
reminds them she’s the Countess of St. Germaine, Sutton’s wife (they seem to
have forgotten).
they head out, carrying the chest of Warehouse 12 Artefacts – and Myka realises that Sutton faked his own death in Paris as well. Charlotte says it’s the easiest way to disappear; but she saved these 3 because she’s been dealing with Warehouse agents since 1561 (one killed her twice) but Myka, Pete and Artie tried to save her. The Warehouse has evolved. Artie’s fine with that but that doesn’t trust her – and wants to know what Artefact she took. It’s the Philosopher’s stone – the Stone that kept Sutton from aging (and obviously Charlotte). She claims she wants it because she wants to be mortal – standard screed about being lonely, about watching everyone age. It’s actually better done than most of the time its presented. But she trumps it – her only child is going through the same pain and solitude, forever. Which is when Artie clues in about Nick – he has been 15 for 500 years.
Yeah, that sounds bad. Really really bad. Charlotte wants
her son to be able to fall in love, grow up, grow old – and Myka slams in “to
die.” She talks about dying, tearfully, how ugly it can be, that this is what
mortality leads to. She breaks and cries and walks off – Pete stops Artie
following and goes to her asking what is wrong. He doesn’t let her brush it
off. She tells him she has cancer. He holds her while she cries.
At the Warehouse, Jinks charges through with his tesla
rifle, finding smoke and the empty bronzer. At the cave, Artie asks Charlotte
why Nick was infiltrating the BnB when he gets a call from Jinks telling him
what happened; he tells them Claudia and Paracelsus are gone. Charlotte
protests that wasn’t the plan – but he bronzed Claudia. And destroyed the
bronzer. Artie turns the death glare on Charlotte.
Warehouse 12 was in Victorian London (when HG Wells was an
agent) and was abandoned in 1914 in favour of Warehouse 13 (the current
warehouse). So what, in the name of all that is historical, are these pirates
on their wooden galleons doing? And why was Warehouse 12 using such
ridiculously antiquated ships? At this point I’d say they needed to pick up a
history book or check their own canon – but c’mon. Surely SOMEONE in the
production team must have noticed this. This is shoddy even by television
standards
I’m not buying Nick’s infiltration. No matter how much
Claudia may feel for Nick – Warehouse 13 is many times more secret than secret,
you can’t just bring in guests, certainly not without an advanced background
check and some checking surely? Or, hey, the suspicions of your INFALLIBLE LIE
DETECTOR. Ok maybe the tortured street
kid could temporarily lower Jinks’s guard – but there’s a limit.
We have some serious plot now! Excellent, we’ve been kind
of waffling since coming back from hiatus – but I also think it’s a little too
late in the season now. This should have really been started a few episodes
ago.
